Jade Time

He told me he had been rushed to the hospital but he was a secret worrier so I just played it down in my head till it registered who he was actually talking about… I don't know what took over me but the pessimist in me rose to the occasion momentarily and I heard a faint 'he might not make it' right before I jammed the door shut on that part of my brain. It was out of the blue, it was out of context! it had nothing to do with the prior conversation… all through the day I juggled worse case scenarios in my head trying to mentally prep myself for the worse. After all he wasn't my other half but my other half's other half… so in that sense he was an extended other half of mine. And when the call came through in the early hours of the morning I knew what I had to do, I knew what that flash on my phone meant but Got have mercy when I heard my other half say the words on the phone reality did not set in… what did set in was the fact that I wasn't ready. Death had always loomed around but it had always been on the outside of my circle, but now… now it was one person away from me. The thought of dying has not been something I have thought long and hard about… it scares me, but to the normal amount. I don't wake up in cold sweats in the middle of the night with the fear of dying. However what I do fear more is having death take away something that you would rather not live without and making you do it when you're not quite ready… Deji was dead and even though I knew it before hearing it nothing could describe the shock I felt of having death in my circle. I could feel it and I could feel the gap vicariously from my other half. I thought I could be stronger because there was no direct connect to him apart from the fact that we had met and he was someone I was thrilled about getting to know more as my future with my other half progressed. I had all the time imagined him as one of the few men walking side by side and prostrating with my other half on a certain special day. Someone I would later on learn to confide in when things weren't going too well. Someone who we would have over every Sunday and often reflect on just how radical and hilarious his speech was on our wedding day…. He was a tremendous person and had lived vicariously in my life for the last two years without really knowing it. I feel silly for being this upset and having numerous outbursts of tears throughout today as I am currently doing… but I can't help it. The vivid flash backs of him in sitting in my kitchen in London two Christmases ago haunt me. I try to think about how that visit would have gone if I had known he would die today…. I don't know how to say this but he didn't look the dying type, he didn't look the 'one minute here, next minute gone' type of guy. He looked like a fresh batch of life and zeal. We used to tease him that he had to move back home to settle down and get a proper girlfriend and start a family and that was exactly what he was about to do in a few months, and it gave me peace at night knowing that my other half would have a positive driving force nearby seeing as I am miles away… but, now that's all gone and I've been sitting here for hours trying to decide on how to bring these numerous questions before God respectively because right now I am rigid with fear. I am secretly letting all my dreams and aspirations fly away with the wind because I could be gone tomorrow… I am secretly asking God if death is going to come any closer so I can learn to love a little less or stop all together. I am scared every feeling rushing through my body, scared to ignore anything that might be pointing to an impending doom, trying to read signs that most likely mean nothing. I am just scared because suddenly will always fall short of really describing how quickly Deji left… where are you?

i'm sorry but i don't remember you,
all these things your saying....
i'm sorry but i don't remember you....
i recognize the tone of your voice,
that's emotion, right?
yes i know that.
but i'm sorry,
i don't remember you.
don't touch me there, i can feel it.
it doesn't feel the same.
i don't know the same and i don't know you.
yes i can see finger prints all over your heart,
but i don't know that they are mine.
yes i see smile lines on my face,
but i don't remember that you put them there.
yes i felt the air lighten when you came in,
but i don't know that it is because of you.
i don't remember you.
i'm sorry.
please stop looking at me like that.
it is too intimate and i don't know you that way,
or at all.
i am not in denial,
i just don't remember you.
surely if we were in love like you say,
it should stand the test of anything.
answer me this, why can't i remember!?!
please, i need to be myself right now,
whoever myself is.
i don't remember you
***
who is he?
she runs through her mind quickly!
searching from room to room for a sound,
a picture,
a smell,
pain,
peace,
anything.
finally she stops,
places her hand on where he had touched her.
she had lied.
she felt something.
but she couldn't have confessed this to a stranger.
she couldn't have told him that she had felt peace when he touched her,
warm,
awake,
light,
peace.
she couldn't have.
how could she...

she didn't remember

Sometimes I think God keeps me in my present situation so I can be closer to Him. Sometimes I think that He thinks that if I get all the things I want and are comfortable I would think that I didn't need Him as much. So to keep me close to Him He keeps me in this state of constantly wanting and needing more, because it is actually true, you only seek God when you realise you haven't got much else. It's terrible I know, the earnestness only comes through when your heart longs for a change or 'breakthrough'. So perhaps keeping us, sorry, me in this state has helped me with my relationship with Him, or should. Now I know I'm not exactly painting God in the best light but it's just how my mind wanders. But then again I could just be completely ungrateful and that's how I've somehow managed to come up with this regrettable theory. Maybe I do have all the things I need but just can't see it, maybe it's all in my head. God has never been one to hold back on giving His children what they need to get by… so what is it then? When you see other people that do more than just 'get by' you just have to stop and think… I know that God loves me but it's not yet connecting. How are these normal people, who aren't much different from me, just going by their day and doing so well??? Because if God doesn't love them then would I really be wrong to not what to be loved sometimes, just so I can do more than just 'get by'! But then the whole thing of waiting on God's time comes to play and then, well then you just throw your hands up in defeat, because truly nothing makes sense. And I find myself in this truly upsetting limbo between the God fearing who always just seem to be in the right place at the right time and the not so God fearing who just seem so darn lucky. And then there's me, in the valley of these two 'winning' hill tops, "WHAT ABOUT ME???" Is what I find myself thinking, instead of shouting. And yes, I know what you guys are thinking; that I should stop thinking that just because I'm God fearing means it will all fall into place without me putting any work in. I do not think like that, in fact I somehow think I have mastered the trick of eluding both God's blessing and lucky unconsciously, so all I've ever known is 'putting work in'. Maybe I'm the middle ground that was never meant to be, and let's face it someone has to be not so great to make other people feel grateful and maybe that's me. I mean don't know really, maybe there's no sense in what I'm saying and I'm totally alone in this valley of mine or maybe it really is all about God's timing and I'm just an extremely ungrateful brat right now who deserves nothing more than for her world to REALLY fall apart. It's all very hard to tell and distinguish when you're low in spirits. Maybe God has given me this time of 'no distractions' to really work on my relationship with Him to prepare me for the greatness that's just round the corner and like the little minded human I am, all I can see to do is complain and moan…. But this is yet only another 'maybe' and after all I only really think like this sometimes…

New shoes! This post has nothing to do with new shoes but I just got a new pair and I've just finished crippling myself in them while pretending to be a sexy video vixen with my pj shorts on while brushing my teeth… complete with my hair net of course! and my brother shaking his head in disapproval LOL! Anyway a lot has obviously gone on since my last post and this isn't my usual style of writing…. I don't do the whole 'my-blog-is-my-online-diary' so we're not going to play catch up or anything (who the bloody hell is 'We' though???? LOL). Not like I've had an eager audience checking in every other day for a new post, but don't worry my love, this place was created for my time… Jade Time, and we never expected much or any traffic at all to be honest. Just somewhere pretty and organized to throw my not so organized thoughts in a theatrical and slightly over dramatic style! Any way so a lot has happened since my last post and now that I'm thinking about it I somehow think this material will be better suited for the sister blog… it's where I go to throw stuff like THIS!…. When I say 'THIS' I mean posts that have nothing to do with the title, so are most times untitled and really a lot about nothing and sorta pointless too thinking about it now, but still worth writing apparently… but that's just what I think. It's great to be able to create these little places where you can just come and yank the mess in her head and throw it at the screen to see if it creates something interesting and worth reading again or…. If it presents you with yourself and your reality which is sometimes hard to come back and read again but somehow necessary from time to time… you just never know I guess. There are so many things tugging at me that I feel I should touch on but I fear that I might be a bit classless in the way I go on about it so I'll wait till I'm in a better position to get it all out there creatively. So as you can see this post was completely unnecessary and a lot about nothing but I enjoyed writing it…. I find my mindless mumblings somewhat therapeutic… but like I said this spot was created for me to just, well… you know, off load. Hmmm… I wonder if I should become one those girls who comes back to report every insignificant thing about my week… you know, like the young career girl who is loved by everyone envied by a few…. Great friends with a really cool job and who constantly tries to find herself through stupid overrated experiences that barely scratch beyond the surface of life's true lessons…. I'd probably have to start using kisses and hugs after each post to my devoted readers and change my template to something really hip and girly that makes every post look like a post-it! Or a fecking DIARY! Ok, I'm done now!