I Do Things To Numb Myself
Ok, I had written this a good while ago, and I guess it was when I was going through my depression era and being on my own was daunting.... Thankfully I'm out of that era but it still somehow appeals to me....
I do things to numb myself, because I can no longer do normal things, no longer have time to myself...... Time to think, time to be alone. And so I do certain things to numb myself, make my passage through time effortless and somehow not in time..... To pass through time and make nothing of it, to pass through time and not have to remember. I do things to numb myself...I do not what time to think, to ponder about the why’s, and when’s, the what if’s and why not’s... things like sleep and quiet times are out of the question. Even dreams are things I would avoid if I truly could. Anything that allows me insight into my thoughts scares me, everything that goes up there through my touch and sight, I prefer to leave undisturbed. My mind can do a lot of horrible things to me...thats why I would much rather pass through life without any thoughts, to sacrifice the good memories that I clutch to on lonely nights if it meant keeping the bad and mysterious ones away. I have never been the curious type and prefer to leave certain things the way they are. The mysteries of my mind are not ones that I burn to solve. I’d rather be numb than have my mind taunt me with illusions or mock me with my expectations. The clocks have been ticking for a while and still are but instead of the ticking creating an urgency it has become like the sound of my own heart beat, something that happens in the background. A sound that I have learnt to tune out at will. The ticking has no effect on me, and now I have lost time and only go through moments. Moments that cannot actually be called moments because I have shunned memories that make moments, and now have nothing to measure time or what is and isn't.... with the absence of time I have nothing to record and nothing to account for in the end, because you see, I never used time therefore it was never wasted, I have nothing to account for and should be thrown into oblivion as punishment. But maybe my life is what I owe them account for, because it’s the one thing I would gladly give back. I never quite figured it out and it has never really been much good to me or to the one that gave it to me. If I gave it back then I would not be.... i would numb………..forever.
1 comments:
i like this, not because is nice, but because it is real, a reality that sucks and that no one wants to experience.
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