He lay there… can't quite remember how long I had been watching him for.
He was beautiful, so peaceful…. I had an urge to kneel and whisper promises….
The ones I had recently broken.
The stake was back in and I could feel the wetness of my internal bleeding.
You see this was my torment so it only happened on my insides.
Felt like I had been stabbed from within too….
I knew that wasn't actually possible… but it signified the pain I had inflicted on myself.
The pain in my chest was hard and this mental stake of mine stuck out at a weird angle,
I couldn't lie on it or roll on it.
It dug deeper when I was around him… when he touched me I couldn't explain the pain…
Pain so deafening but still unable to stop my want for him.
He'd kiss me and I could swear that the stake had pierced right through me and now stuck out my back.
Discomfort so real, yet he would look at me and just see me.
Couldn't hear the drip drop of the blood racing down my leg or the footprints I left everywhere….
He couldn't see the spot where I had broken his heart, or the long nights of anger and pain I had in store for him.
How could he, this was all mental.
And just for me.
Truth of the matter is that I had been with another.
Not a significant another…. But still/just another.
It was enough….
I…….
I had recently tried to explain it to myself, why had it happened….
It was enough.
Longer nights and harder truths ….
Sweet kisses with thebitter aftertaste ….
It was all of that I felt… emotions and senses were mixed up.
I somehow managed to still feel the victim…. Like there was something deeper going on
Imagined myself a small play figure on someone's board game.
I was moving and operating against my will.
That was my worthless justification, did me not an ounce of good but I retold it to myself….
He loved me, I had no excuse
He was enough.
That was how myself found a way to stab itself.
It wasn't a case of him finding out… that would probably be hard
But the pain…..
My god the pain…
Suffering in silence…. My cross to bear and I was ready to bear it… I deserved it
But the pain…..
The pian….
Around him they multiplied, any affection he showed me skinned me right there on the spot.
I was raw…. but he touched and stroked me like I was smooth…..
I gave myself great waves of nausea…. I was sickened
During the day I felt not ease but it was bearable…. Not really
Nights were harder…..
It explained why I was standing in this corner right now staring at him sleep
I still envied whatever peace he was going through now….
Sleep had become unfamiliar to me.
I had to get away for him when possible but I could somehow never get myself to fully leave him.
I loved him and that part of what was left of my heart still reigned over this fierce pain.
Again I inflicted pain on myself.
I was losing him….. the pain was always harder than the day before.
It ate at my brain…. I had lost my mind.
It was soon….
I would tell him and the stake would be removed, and right before I heal, the pain of loss will take over…..
That was what would finish me off…...
The end was nigh for me... and so I touched a little harder and screamed a lot louder.
It was enough.
Now kneeling, I whispered my promises….
My recently broken promises of forever and steadfastness…..
Memories I had tainted, dreams I had awoken….
I whispered it all.
It was over quickly…. Hot white lights…. My teeth were clenched tight
My fingers dug into my chest trying to clutch at the breaking inside of me.
Loud tears escape down my face but not a sound did I let escape from my lips….
I was ablaze inside….. my god!
My cross to bear….
I crawled back into bed and held him
Skin sizzled but what was left of my heart was leading
And despite the mental pain of guilt
This was where I wanted to be
Behind the handprints of another all over me lay the steady mark he left on me
I hushed myself as I held him and prayed that my tears wouldn't wake him
I whispered back unchanging promises into his dreams
It was enough….
He should have been enough.
