The sCReAm that NeVer cAmE...

Posted on 5:06 PM by Miss Euphoria Jade Oyatz | 2 comments


I heard the thud..... he was there... he had a yellow t-shirt on... and with the way I was causing the room to quiver with shakes coming off my body, it's a wonder that i did not run.... he looked angry but more confused than anything else... he too was puzzled that i did not scream or run... i just stood there with the look of utmost interest...shakes and all..." why are you here?" i asked.... his reply came out in a furious growl.... " i'm here to take it forcefully".....with a calm that shocked me and momentarily stopped the shakes...but only momentarily.... i asked " take what?".... shock hit him then, it took over his face and his mouth opened but the brain could not translate... he composed himself and even angrier than the first time, he replied "LOVE!".... never had i in my life heard such a beautiful word sound so ugly...so hateful.... whatever my faced mirrored gave him pleasure 'cause the most cynical smirk came across his face... his oddly beautiful face...despite the cracked lines caused by the anger... he was tall and dark skinned but not so dark... the right type of dark....it was hard to see 'cause it was dark...he had water all over his face... hmmm.... must be raining outside....i was using the lighting from the thunder to view his face.....which was only occasionally.... he was not scrawny at all, but not overly built...he looked athletic...and thinking about it now if i had decided to run he would have caught me effortlessly.... but back to reality...to this nightmare, for now.... "love?" i asked?.... "you want to take love forcefully from me?" ..... he smiled again...he was thoroughly enjoying the confusion in my tone... he saw it as weakness, which i can imagine made him feel in control of the hostility... "yes, love" is what he answered, less angry this time.... he sounded rather pleased.... i couldn't hide it... i was thoroughly perplexed.... i had been prepared to hear my life was what he wanted, or my possessions...just from looking at my room any thief up to no good could see that i was good for the money.... but it dawned on me that he wasn't that sort of thief...in fact, looking at him a bit closer, i made some observations of my own.... his clothes and looks were not like that of someone in want...but his soul and heart...well, that was a completely different story...one i would probably not hear...ever.... i had been thinking so much, that i had not realised that he had moved... he was now right in front of me... still smirking....but he stopped there and made no more advances....just starred HARD at me..... still smiling.... i figured he was waiting for me to scream or run...but i still couldn't, not because i was choked with fear but because honestly... i didn't want to... curiosity still had me, and if i was a cat today was my D-day... i was still trying to take in this monster... i was back in the present and i could smell him.... again, SHOCK...he didn't smell like a monster... he smelt like want... embarrassingly, i realised he smelt like my WANT.... and at this stage all i could do was smell...smell till i realised that i was no longer standing.... i was on my bed....oh, maybe i had woken up.... nightmare over.... but wait, i'm still inhaling this WANT.....back to the present... something or someone is tugging at my garments... now i feel scream and fear rising.... the scream now in my mouth, all i need to do is open it... but it hits me...this monster could have been anywhere, he could have gone anywhere for "LOVE" ...anywhere, but he was here instead.....he had chosen me, he had watched me.... deemed me fit enough to posess love...and that's when it happened..... i left this room and, traveled back to the colourless months of dread.... months where i had been left for the same reason this monster was here....LOVE. i had been accused of being unable to give "LOVE"..... been left... and now, back to the present this monster deemed me fit and was going to take it forcefully from me.... but what? I didn't have it...did i? No no no, thats why i had been left.... i didn't have it.... then the fear started vibrating off me again... what would he do when he found out that i didn't have it... he would not be as merciful as HIM and just leave me... no... he wanted it....it was then i started my steady panic... thrashing around in own linen trying get away from him.... he would take LIFE if he couldn't get LOVE, so i finally struggled for my LIFE....I was expecting to be met with a hard blow to the head or something monstrous, but he just held me pinned down and starred at me thrashing.... captivated.... like i was a prey entertaining the carnivore right before the devouring... i could feel liquid on me coming from him, i couldn't tell if it was the rain off him or my own sweat... i kept thrashing....but still not screaming... then he did the most frightening thing.... he lay on top of me... he was heavy but not suffocating heavy....he lay on top of me and i couldn't move...he just lay there still...his body was warm despite the dampness of his clothes form the rain.... and the smell hit me again....WANT... i stopped thrashing and laid still...completely still... we were still and silent....all i could do was inhale..... the rain had started outside again... heavier.... his heart beat did not match mine...i could feel it through my clothes... the beats were good and steady....hmmm.... he must have a healthy heart....maybe good...no.....i couldn't think that far.... but i could think that. for once i was seen as someone with "LOVE" worth taking.... who was i to deny him...the only person who'd ever wanted......and again curiosity had me .... what if i did have this love...what if I actually had it....this whole time...the period of blindness!...the one I had qualified as a life fit for someone like me who had nothing to offer..... and i had it this whole time! Well i WANTED to find out.... i had to find out....even if i my life was at risk.... maybe i didn't want the life if i truly had nothing to offer.... back to the present... we still lay still... with fear i moved a little and he's body became dead weight...willing me to remain still again.... but i couldn't... i had to find out... i managed to get my hand free and touched his arm...I left my hand there for what seemed like an eternity... he stirred a little then lifted himself, hovered above...... and looked at me....still the scream never came.....

....Never There

Posted on 5:05 PM by Miss Euphoria Jade Oyatz | 0 comments


Today I died 7 times and you didn't know.... today I was put 6 feet under dirt and you didn't know. How could you know, I was left in a box for a while and they said they would leave a gap in time. A gap for whoever loved me to come and claim me, but I waited patiently as you do when you are put in your death box, legs straight and hands meekly crossed over my chest......but nothing....you never came.... I heard the people outside the fridge make jokes about reasons why no one came, they hurt.....but not at first, as first I thought, let them laugh, you would soon come and then I would rise and have the last laugh. But instead I had the first tear. And though already in my death box, it hurt a lot. I died today 7 times and you didn't know, how could you? you were never there. They put me under dirt in hopes than I would eventually turn into dirt....but I couldn't, you see I had unfinished business..... WE had unfinished business, but it doesn't work the same way as ghosts, I don't get to come up in transparent form and haunt you...... because technically I am not dead, just waiting apparently....for you..... so I've waited and nothing.... waited some more and still nothing.... suddenly I was the one being haunted, I was haunted for my patience, trust and hope in you...... and then I was mocked because even in death (well almost dead) I still believed. Days passed and the rage started to flourish and it was murderous. Hate soon came in to replace the rage. It was calm and deadly, it was solid and had turned the soft part in my chest concrete...... and so I found out after of couple of days that I had died. I had been completely consumed by hate...... you killed me, and now thoughts of whether this had been your plan all along played flirtatiously in my mind and I succumbed to them instantly...... I lusted for any reason to draw blood..... I closed my eyes and waited for the lifted feeling that you get, the one that was meant to come before I ever got into the death box....... when it eventually came I refused to walk into the light.....I had unfinished business and I was prepared to make that understood.........I died 7 times today and you didn't know, how could you, you weren't there. I'm coming after you and you have just unofficially signed off your sanity, but you don't know, how can you, you have never been there.......

YoU...

Posted on 4:04 PM by Miss Euphoria Jade Oyatz | 0 comments

I got inspired and it was YoU....YoU love me and i can’t place my finger on it but I don’t wanna try. My gawd! when you smile! I feel fulfilled, like the sun has been hiding in your mouth this whole time we were battling the storm....I’m blinded but pleasantly squinting... feel the tears dribble down the side of my face land on the ground, and all of a sudden we'r swimming and laughing and YoU are still smiling.....and all of a sudden we're on the beach watching this beautiful sun of yours set only for YoU to look at me with those eyes and push the moon in place.... and now it’s dark and light all together... now we running hand in hand on this beach of ours and it’s just our silhouettes and the shadows of our smiles that take the lead role. But then YoU grab my hand and I feel the blessed breeze and all of a sudden we sailing...this beautiful breeze of ours pushes us confidently to the rainbow.....we don’t need no oars cause we making our own way. But then YoU touch me and it rains...... the smell of clean wet earth births scents that drive us wild..... So now we falling down the rabbit hole and everything is weird and wonderful....but then you kiss me and we under the sheets..... and we loving, with so much hunger you’d swear we were deprived of the other for centuries. So we sweat and love, cry and tumble, push and pull, lick and taste, shout and giggle. But then YoU call my name and suddenly my eyes open, I roll over, I’m awake and it’s YoU, it’s been, always YoU.

i LOVED all the way to HATE

Posted on 3:30 AM by Miss Euphoria Jade Oyatz | 1 comments

For those of you who think they know whom this is about...it is not.... I could never hate said person.... the love wasn't THAT strong :p .....record time of 7 mins...I'm impressed with myself..... I'm not one of those ppl that write when they are filled with joy...i write when I need to release... when something is too much for me to carry, when it becomes uncomfortable...when I'm happy, I want to stay happy for as long as possible, so, i don't write then...i keep it all in... but when in pain sometimes....i like to see it all out in front me...and i have found that i am more expressive when in pain....writing this has put the biggest smile on my face...call me twisted....but this is what comes naturally to me....this is what i write...


I LOVED you all the way to HATE
I watched every step...I watched it happen
I loved you all the way to hate....
I felt it change in my system
I felt my acid crucify those butterflies in my tummy....

I LOVED you all the way to HATE.....
You took me,
And when you returned me,
It wasn’t me....

I LOVED you all the way to HATE...
They say that that  journey is too far to make,
And that it never happens
But....
I LOVED you all the way to HATE.

I loved you in heaven,
Gave birth on earth,
And woke up in hell....
I LOVED you all the way to HATE....

I LOVED you all the way to HATE....
These tears served as my stream.....
Your lies were the currents that pushed me....
These oars were the pieces of me you took and brought back different
This boat is my delusions of what I thought we were
 I LOVED you all the way to HATE....

Row row your boat, furiously down the stream...
Furiously furiously....
Life isn’t all it seems....

I LOVED you all the way to HATE

Whatever You Want It To Be About....

Posted on 7:12 AM by Miss Euphoria Jade Oyatz | 3 comments

This is literally and abstract from whatever...it came to me and I put it down... I know its part of a story, but I have no beginning or end...or story line....it almost feels like a dream....I know i was thinking of Jos when I wrote it...trying to put myself in the position....an out of body experience maybe...it's whatever you want it to be about...

Mind at ease.... beautiful scenery..... Calm music playing in the background.... The smell of coffee wafts through the air, city dwellers bustle in and out...there’s laughter and easy conversation. Two fingers to my head and I smile satisfyingly, I am at ease...colour, lights and sounds take me....my calm swirls round me, taking me away...taking me to... ..Eyes open and I can feel the change bursting my calm bubble...... Everything is in slow motion now...there’s dust rising but not falling... turn around and there are figures moving, I can see them running in a panicked frenzy but no one seems to know where they are going...evidence of the presence of fear, and then it hits me.....I close my eyes again willing myself to awake from this surreal nightmare.....I’m inside...but no calm music or easy conversation..... Have an out of body experience and.... stand in the middle of a dingy looking room.... passionately talk  to a lady who stares right past me... I clutch at my chest while my other hand is stretched forward towards this oblivious being. As I speak to this women I cry and jump and cringe in fright occasionally....there is no sound, I watch myself in mute, but I can tell that there is a noise outside that causes me to jump....the room is very dark...... I can see light coming from a high window...it looks like we’re almost underground...I catch myself looking towards the window with panic and fear...for a few seconds I am caught in this fear, but quickly return to my apparent pleading with this women, a bit more urgent now...I touch her arm and point to the window with panic but still she stares at the space behind me.... I take her face in my hands.....forcing her to look at me..... she fixes me with the same blank stare .......my eyes hurriedly search hers for something...... I point to a corner of the room...I noticed that my tears come down fiercer now and I point again to the corner of the room... it is dark...... I cannot see what I am pointing to...it looks like something huddled and whatever it is, is quite still...whatever it is pulls at me heart strings because I watch myself break down into dangerous sobs......I clutch at my chest like I am trying to keep a wound closed....... I carry on pleading to this woman....I watch the pleading for a few more minutes then  move closer to the corner I was pointing to..... Trying to get a better look at whatever it is that is huddled up...a little movement....... I see it is a child.......a little boy.......sits perfectly still.....knees up to his chest and little arms around his legs... ....his facial expression mirrors that of the oblivious woman that I am still trying to persuade........he seems to be sitting in some sort of puddle....from the wet patch on his pants I can tell it is his own urine........he cannot be older than 7 years old.......he seems to be in fear too...... cringes and shudders  from whatever noise is coming from above...... I am still kneeling in front of this nonchalant woman......a noise makes me jump and stand still......I see movement from the corner of my eye...the little boy seems to have moved........he comes to stand next to me and this woman....leaving little wet footprints as he crosses the room....... clutches my waist.......i grab him round the shoulders..... pull him closer towards me.......we all stand still.......waiting.......I see shivers rolling off me......I can’t tell that what is going on but the fear is so tangible and I begin to shiver too......

It wasn't you/ You weren't there

Posted on 4:22 PM by Miss Euphoria Jade Oyatz | 1 comments

You got to keep on walking; you just got to keep on going. Everything in my body wanted to turn around, just to turn around and somehow make him my Mr Right. But I had to keep walking, it’s not him, you’ve given him enough time to rise to the position but he never did, he could have but he never did. So, now you got to keep walking, you got to keep on going because it’s not him. No matter how much you want that cheeky smile to mean something it never will, it never did, and it will never hold promises of change or promises of a future, it will just always be a cheeky smile that sometimes makes you smile back, but not today. So keep walking………

Killing me couldn’t explain it. Unlike normal it was four words and not three, started with ‘I’ and ended with ‘You’ but didn’t mean the same thing, or give me that feeling of controlling gravity or my insides smiling, no it didn't.

It sucked the breath out of me and solidified tears behind my eyes causing a severe ache. ‘ I Don’t Want You’, even without tears my vision became blurred and panic washed over me, little vibrations rolled of my skin and before I knew it the ground seemed to be shaking, seemed to be, it was really me.

 I was blank for the first few seconds when I heard it, and then for a few more minutes when I realised that it came for you. The air around me became thick with dread and I somehow could not take it into my lungs. That must have been what started the dizziness. You don’t want me, your returning me? What’s wrong with me, can I fix it? The finality in your eyes was frightening and as I looked into them I realised that you weren’t there. So, I guess I should have taken relief in the fact it wasn’t really you that said it, but I couldn’t, if you weren’t in there then where were you? Either way I’d lost you, so it was no longer a case of you not wanting me, it was more like me not having you anymore.

 Knowing that alone was enough to cause serious harm to myself. Walking away wasn’t really hard, it was more like an action that had to be done, there was no other reason to stand there, and I’d lost you. And although I knew that the person standing there looked and sounded like you, it wasn’t enough to keep me there. The battle had been lost, you were lost and so was I.

I Do Things To Numb Myself

Posted on 4:08 PM by Miss Euphoria Jade Oyatz | 1 comments

Ok, I had written this a good while ago, and I guess it was when I was going through my depression era and being on my own was daunting.... Thankfully I'm out of that era but it still somehow appeals to me....


I do things to numb myself, because I can no longer do normal things, no longer have time to myself...... Time to think, time to be alone. And so I do certain things to numb myself, make my passage through time effortless and somehow not in time..... To pass through time and make nothing of it, to pass through time and not have to remember. I do things to numb myself...I do not what time to think, to ponder about the why’s, and when’s, the what if’s and why not’s... things like sleep and quiet times are out of the question. Even dreams are things I would avoid if I truly could. Anything that allows me insight into my thoughts scares me, everything that goes up there through my touch and sight, I prefer to leave undisturbed. My mind can do a lot of horrible things to me...thats why I would much rather pass through life without any thoughts, to sacrifice the good memories that I clutch to on lonely nights if it meant keeping the bad and mysterious ones away. I have never been the curious type and prefer to leave certain things the way they are. The mysteries of my mind are not ones that I burn to solve. I’d rather be numb than have my mind taunt me with illusions or mock me with my expectations. The clocks have been ticking for a while and still are but instead of the ticking creating an urgency it has become like the sound of my own heart beat, something that happens in the background. A sound that I have learnt to tune out at will. The ticking has no effect on me, and now I have lost time and only go through moments. Moments that cannot actually be called moments because I have shunned memories that make moments, and now have nothing to measure time or what is and isn't.... with the absence of time I have nothing to record and nothing to account for in the end, because you see, I never used time therefore it was never wasted, I have nothing to account for and should be thrown into oblivion as punishment. But maybe my life is what I owe them account for, because it’s the one thing I would gladly give back. I never quite figured it out and it has never really been much good to me or to the one that gave it to me. If I gave it back then I would not be.... i would numb………..forever.

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