Jade Time

He lay there… can't quite remember how long I had been watching him for.

He was beautiful, so peaceful…. I had an urge to kneel and whisper promises….

The ones I had recently broken.

The stake was back in and I could feel the wetness of my internal bleeding.

You see this was my torment so it only happened on my insides.

Felt like I had been stabbed from within too….

I knew that wasn't actually possible… but it signified the pain I had inflicted on myself.

The pain in my chest was hard and this mental stake of mine stuck out at a weird angle,

I couldn't lie on it or roll on it.

It dug deeper when I was around him… when he touched me I couldn't explain the pain…

Pain so deafening but still unable to stop my want for him.

He'd kiss me and I could swear that the stake had pierced right through me and now stuck out my back.

Discomfort so real, yet he would look at me and just see me.

Couldn't hear the drip drop of the blood racing down my leg or the footprints I left everywhere….

He couldn't see the spot where I had broken his heart, or the long nights of anger and pain I had in store for him.

How could he, this was all mental.

And just for me.

Truth of the matter is that I had been with another.

Not a significant another…. But still/just another.

It was enough….

I…….

I had recently tried to explain it to myself, why had it happened….

It was enough.

Longer nights and harder truths ….

Sweet kisses with thebitter aftertaste ….

It was all of that I felt… emotions and senses were mixed up.

I somehow managed to still feel the victim…. Like there was something deeper going on

Imagined myself a small play figure on someone's board game.

I was moving and operating against my will.

That was my worthless justification, did me not an ounce of good but I retold it to myself….

He loved me, I had no excuse

He was enough.

That was how myself found a way to stab itself.

It wasn't a case of him finding out… that would probably be hard

But the pain…..

My god the pain…

Suffering in silence…. My cross to bear and I was ready to bear it… I deserved it

But the pain…..

The pian….

Around him they multiplied, any affection he showed me skinned me right there on the spot.

I was raw…. but he touched and stroked me like I was smooth…..

I gave myself great waves of nausea…. I was sickened

During the day I felt not ease but it was bearable…. Not really

Nights were harder…..

It explained why I was standing in this corner right now staring at him sleep

I still envied whatever peace he was going through now….

Sleep had become unfamiliar to me.

I had to get away for him when possible but I could somehow never get myself to fully leave him.

I loved him and that part of what was left of my heart still reigned over this fierce pain.

Again I inflicted pain on myself.

I was losing him….. the pain was always harder than the day before.

It ate at my brain…. I had lost my mind.

It was soon….

I would tell him and the stake would be removed, and right before I heal, the pain of loss will take over…..

That was what would finish me off…...

The end was nigh for me... and so I touched a little harder and screamed a lot louder.

It was enough.

Now kneeling, I whispered my promises….

My recently broken promises of forever and steadfastness…..

Memories I had tainted, dreams I had awoken….

I whispered it all.

It was over quickly…. Hot white lights…. My teeth were clenched tight

My fingers dug into my chest trying to clutch at the breaking inside of me.

Loud tears escape down my face but not a sound did I let escape from my lips….

I was ablaze inside….. my god!

My cross to bear….

I crawled back into bed and held him

Skin sizzled but what was left of my heart was leading

And despite the mental pain of guilt

This was where I wanted to be

Behind the handprints of another all over me lay the steady mark he left on me

I hushed myself as I held him and prayed that my tears wouldn't wake him

I whispered back unchanging promises into his dreams

It was enough….

He should have been enough.

She was the obvious....

And obvious in so many ways....

And that's where he came into play

You see he specialised in the not so obvious.

So the mystery was how these two clicked without ever touching

Without ever....

Speaking.

Stares served as so much more than just communication.

Agreements had been sighed with blinks and twitching finger.... hanging in the air.

So she was the obvious,

And he specialised in the not so obvious.

Obvious beauty, the obvious dazzling smile, she claimed the attention of a room,

But within the obvious and expected.

She could have been special but she was obvious.

Gave nothing for the eyes to search.

But this is where he came into play.

Never had he once spoken to her.

But he had smelt the scent of her.

Closed his eyes and imagined being tainted with it at dawn.

A promise that the night before had happened,

And she would lie next to him as proof.

But that was firmly only behind his eyelids.

Her obvious smile....

He saw the trace of the frown she had worn all night....

The others just smiled back.

Her skin flawless.... they all looked in awe

But he sees her hand prints....

All over her body....

She's been trying to hold herself together again in the dark.

She had not lain in her bed alone last night....but she had gone to sleep so.

She gave pleasure.... it signified her worth, she imagined.

She gave but never received.

Now when she walked by, he would memorise the prints...

Make sure to have his hands cover her exact prints.....

He didn't want the pleasure but he wanted to SLEEP with her.

Hand prints to cover her previous, something she could feel.

He watched her.... determination set in.

He would teach her to receive.

He would teach her to be special.

Let her know that being obvious.....

Baring it all out,

It never stops them from looking for more.

Standing in wide open spaces does not mean you are not hiding.

She was obvious.....

He specialised in the not so obvious.

He saw the HER she was trying to hide....

He was fascinated by her unwanted....

Captivated by her breakages and cracks.

Memorised hand prints..... like maps.

He was sure that if he matched them they would lead to her core.

So many things he would do....

But she was out there...

He couldn't get to her.....

She was obvious, but he wasn't.

He specialised in himself.

The unseen....

She was obvious....

But he wasn't.....

These are drafts I've had since forever but somehow never been able to finish, but I guess reading them now, they seem to have somehow finished themselves. So, since none of them were big enough to post up on their own I decided to put them all together.... I think it makes an interesting read... I think. Personally my favourite is the second piece, when you leave something long enough and come back to it, you read it as something new and its great to see how you can take yourself back to that place in time.






He was waiting for me in the dark. he sat on the chair by my bed...just waiting....he had smelt my sheets and night dress before. I had no idea what else he had smelt. I walked in dropped mybag by the door. I could  sense him before my hand found the switch...strong finger on the soft of my palm stopping me from flicking the switch on. A hold on my waist...not fingers this time but hands. a forceful pull and we're back to chest,dangerously close. I'm scarred but I can not get my heart beat to pick up pace


                                                           ******


Souls slip away from the fingers of the earth and theres nothing it can do bout it...its responsibility was to look after them but they are slipping through...it now sits in misery while mother nature goes bout her thrashing...death screams are murderous and loud but she doesn't hear them. too much Pleasure in the havoc she is causing....souls too tiny and insignificant take their sentences on their knees,hands together and heads bowed,praying..pleas help Haiti


Mangled body parts lay askew everywhere,this place should be deserted but it isn't.it is occupied with the dead and the living know better than to interfere
Unheard screams are embodied in the lifeless....gloom paints a lovely picture where everythin lifeless has a character.Gloom knows no discrimination.
The tune of faded heart beats rock these lost souls to sleep.there is no caretaker for these ones,each remain on d memory of what was.... Please help Haiti
                                                       ******
The satisfaction that comes from our tumbling game is bearable. Each body part entwined in the other, yet heart and souls couldn't be any more detached. Activity engaged in only to feel.... both know that when the tumbling ends, things will be as they were. two minds secretly wishing to be as connected as their limbs and arms, two minds knowing the possibility is barely feasible, but hope lingers on the outline. So, during the tumbling, bodies say things that the mind and heart will never say. Fingers touch like the eyes that will never be locked in a gaze overflowing with the silent promises. lips kiss like words that will never be said..... but unfortunately can not penetrate any further than the skins surface. The tumbling game may seem almost comical, but it participants beg to differ, it is a language for the mute with voices....

I had always had dreams... i was expectant so it was expected... for a while you had been a reoccurring dream... and with each hard thought i pushed you into my dreams during the day... you see you were/are the person....and for a while you were my person... the dreams of 'how it was supposed to be' eventually turned into nightmares.... looking at the dream from an outsiders point of you it was hard to pick out the mare.... it was a perfectly beautiful dream of the end of a long wait.... it was a deserving dream.... we had waited so long... we had made it through....and now we met.... but it was just a mocking sneer, seeing as all my other dreams had disappeared at the stating fact that we were no longer together.... but this dream however stayed behind.... and would on occasional nights come and rip one 'Stitch' from my recovering heart... but enough of the gloom.... i wanna take you into the dream.... 

You would hold me, you should hold me... memories of the two of us muddled together in a corner of somewhere... i sat on your lap, knees up to my chest....and your arms going fully around me... it almost looks like you were trying to keep our lil bubble intact... i could smell you... all of you. The scent, relaxing, calming but honestly you were calming enough. We sat in our world and whispered secrets about the perfectness of our lil bubble/world.... the outside world all sat in their favourable positions starring.... but your eyes never left mine..... The world in full swing of vibrant colours.... like a kaleidoscope....but we were in black and white and our bubble in grey.... we were simple.... the bubble kept complications away and we lived it... it was time to leave behind everything that alters back, get our focus forward and our love back on track- i need you so much closer.... words that would resound in my head...
At that moment, i come on with a frantic struggle trying to get more of me in the inside of you... I NEED YOU SO MUCH CLOSER! Louder in my head... jabs and swings at my sanity. But i still needed you so much closer... our simple bubble was becoming thinner.... this dream was coming to an end and you would vanish and i would gain my colour... but the words were still on loud echoes in my head.... i still need you so much closer.... but they were futile efforts... i could feel our scent being mixed with the scent of the coloureds but i kept on struggling... grabbing as much of you as i could... you were oblivious to my wondering hands grabbing.... you were oblivious to your own disappearance, like you didn't know what it meant.... like you didn't know this was a dream and WE would be gone in a matter of seconds.... your expression remained unchanged.... your stare still never left mine but my vision had become blurry as liquid eased down my cheeks.... you were mute to my hustle and bustle within our tiny bubble..... still you starred on like i had never moved... like we were still playing the secrets game... at this stage i was pretty sure i was screaming.... your arms were still around my frame... but that was it... i could no longer feel the pressure of your hold and i was slipping but you weren't aware.... and then.... you vanished! i was sitting upright....no colour.... no scent... the only thing i brought back with me were the tears... that's all i ever managed to bring back and yet night after night i would still struggle hoping that one day i could bring you back with me.... despite the vanishing lines of your existence..... felt like your hold was getting weaker with each passing night... the dream itself was fading.... the thought of this should have brought relief but tears gushed out angrier.... my night of mares were finally coming to an end... but i was mourning the original dream and the expectations it brought with it.... cause they were finally coming to an end too.... SIGH... lay back down... this was routine... this was the second phase of my night... the dreamless night.... my mind would still race unconsciously but it was never able to create an images.... just the blank darkness... i started slipping AGAIN, but not before i put my finger to my face and tasted my own tears.... my desperate efforts to clutch onto something real through it all..... I NEED YOU SO MUCH CLOSER.... but now barely audible through the silent drops of my tears...

Today I died 7 times and you didn't know.... today I was put 6 feet under dirt and you didn't know. How could you know, I was left in a box for a while and they said they would leave a gap in time. A gap for whoever loved me to come and claim me, but I waited patiently as you do when you are put in your death box, legs straight and hands meekly crossed over my chest......but nothing....you never came.... I heard the people outside the fridge make jokes about reasons why no one came, they hurt.....but not at first, as first I thought, let them laugh, you would soon come and then I would rise and have the last laugh. But instead I had the first tear. And though already in my death box, it hurt a lot. I died today 7 times and you didn't know, how could you? you were never there. They put me under dirt in hopes than I would eventually turn into dirt....but I couldn't, you see I had unfinished business..... WE had unfinished business, but it doesn't work the same way as ghosts, I don't get to come up in transparent form and haunt you...... because technically I am not dead, just waiting apparently....for you..... so I've waited and nothing.... waited some more and still nothing.... suddenly I was the one being haunted, I was haunted for my patience, trust and hope in you...... and then I was mocked because even in death (well almost dead) I still believed. Days passed and the rage started to flourish and it was murderous. Hate soon came in to replace the rage. It was calm and deadly, it was solid and had turned the soft part in my chest concrete...... and so I found out after of couple of days that I had died. I had been completely consumed by hate...... you killed me, and now thoughts of whether this had been your plan all along played flirtatiously in my mind and I succumbed to them instantly...... I lusted for any reason to draw blood..... I closed my eyes and waited for the lifted feeling that you get, the one that was meant to come before I ever got into the death box....... when it eventually came I refused to walk into the light.....I had unfinished business and I was prepared to make that understood.........I died 7 times today and you didn't know, how could you, you weren't there. I'm coming after you and you have just unofficially signed off your sanity, but you don't know, how can you, you have never been there.......