Jade Time

i read it over and over again, it sunk in... that's what i thought, but these words couldn't come out quick enough..... i was overwhelmed. it felt like everything was finally falling backing in place after breaking at such odd angles. i was beyond mend... searing pain... he said every morning felt like the first wake after a painful surgery but with the anesthesia worn out and no one to top up the morphine....mouth wired shut so no one hears your scream... no one to come to your aid. so the scream stays inside...so loud you burst all blood vessels in your head...start an internal bleeding...drowning your insides... you kill yourself. he said it felt like that every morning without me. the smile inside my chest was black with calm. i was at peace with such news...from his glazed eyes i looked in the mirror of my soul.... i was ugly but perfect... i was perfectly ugly.....my lines of breakage were perfectly defined and i had no business trying to hide them anymore. i had won and now wore them as battle scars...all over my body....jagged with persistence... i still couldn't sleep at night... tears that had long ago dried up caused me a great ache in my throat. i was in love but rebelled against her...LOVE... was killing me. she wasn't done with me yet. I had won the battle! i had my scars to prove it, yes!....but somewhere along the line i had somehow managed to catch something and now it/she was killing me.filled with love for a human being i had sworn i would never give.... what could save me i had stubbornly refused to give...not to him! i had won...it stops here! it ends here! i deserve freedom....i did. but this pain haunted my nights, chased away my unconsciousness, and without that all i did was feel and feel.... pain unlike anything i've ever felt....not like the pain of the scars all over me..no...this one was fresh and consuming....choking.... suddenly i felt like the patient in the bed waking from surgery in pain and no one there to help...the only difference was that he was my morphine...the one i wouldn't take....so as i felt myself drown my insides....i felt the wetness at my eyes, yes! i was crying....think drops of red sipping out of me... i was dying...ugly....alone....in pain....but i won....