Jade Time

Today I want to write… it's been long overdue. I have been sitting in my own misery for a couple of days now, thinking that the more intense the pain got the quicker I would be to heal... I've been so concerned with my own grief and have nearly driven myself crazy with my search for a mental exit. But today I watched people on TV who had a lot more going on in the grief and tragedy department; it gave me the exit I had been in search of….. It led me out of the tiny confines of my grief and into the field of their reality; rows and rows of planted pain and woes. You can't imagine the things that people wake up to everyday… I watched a boy paralysed from the neck down giving hope to some with a throat infection…. I mean c'mon! Paralysed from the neck down and a throat infection??? Gosh we humans can be so self-centred it's disgusting. I have been walking around in a daze for the last couple of days because someone took my true worth for granted and walked away. Now it's not so much the person that gets to me, it's the experience of it all….it's like the chapter in the last harry porter book where they were stuck in a cell in gringotts trying to find the real horcrux out of a zillion fakes… I have mentally been trying to detangle the real from the lies… honestly it would better if I could just walk away from it all… and with all this mind trickery I put myself through, I've failed to see that I might have dodged one of the biggest bullets of my life… you see, I would have readily said yes to this individual; to be tied together till death do us part! And now one of his flaws has saved me a possible life of resentment and self loathe..... who knows right? So today, my exit has led me into the lives of other people with a lot more on their plates; I felt petty, self-centred and spoilt. Here I am sitting on my ass being miserable when I've still got all my family members intact, yea I lost a lot in the last year but I still got a job! I live in a house with water and electricity, I'm 36 days away from completing my masters and 38days away from the best trip ever and yet I feel like I've lost the best part of me. Hell! I'm 23! I'm not even sure I've found that part of me; you can't let someone with so little input taint your history to success. But we are so privileged that we take so many things for granted! So when life throws us hiccups we forget to zone in on the stuff that we still have. People that don't have food on the streets are still happy and thankful when they're able to open their eyes every morning even though it's with a pavement beneath their face. I have a gift of writing from God that gives instant relief from pain and I've just been holding back… gosh! You should really see me, I can be so overly dramatic at times…. it's like someone died, but all it really is is me shedding weight holding me back from reaching my goals! And I just want to use this medium to say thank you God for every little thing! Like I mean every little thing… my focus, family, music, art, books, literacy, good health, culinary skills (lol), my friends, my duvet cover, 24 hour internet access, my job, auto correct (my spelling abilities are actually sinful!) The sound of junkies fighting outside my bedroom window at unholy hours! And I'm most grateful for where I'm heading. I'm done trying to tell the real from the lies… I'm using my exit door to gain perspective and focus on what's more important… my glass tilted and I lost something's but it's not half empty its half full….that's my perspective ;)