You and I

Posted on 5:39 PM by Miss Euphoria Jade Oyatz | 2 comments




As I sit and reminisce of what happened,
I feel the same way, unburdened inside and as light as air but oddly comfortable with my weightless satisfaction.

Eyes closed, mind deep in thought.
It all comes back to me, like a river rushing to fill its dry bed.
We had already played with the idea of you being here and now you are here, so why the scare?

I’ve found you and yet I’m hesitant. Doubts fly freely in my head of all that could go wrong.

You call my name and I’m back in reality.
My mind filled with thoughts, but no time, the time is now, time to make a decision.
I can’t deny that there is a longing there, but It could always be ignored .
Body and mind are in complete conflict.
It’s left to me, do i want this?

No time to think, the time is now.

Temperature rises with each passing second.

Longings getting stronger.
Fantasies slowly melt into reality.
Contemplations on seizing the moment arrive.

Bodies readily wrapped around each other.

It’s too hot to think.

Don’t lose consciousness now.

My body is heated up with desire, my mind with passion.
Your touch is firm and gentle.
Fingers trace invisible patterns on my back.

Brain freezes in shock.
Never has it been prepared to translate such passion.

Time appears to have come to a standstill, feeling of gravity being overruled
Everything seems to be afloat, but somehow we are still embedded in each other.

Motions begin to slow down.

Hands on my hips, strong and steady.

We are close now,

Heart beats are uneven but still in tune.
Lungs swell, trying to keep up with new rapid breaths.
Things get hotter still,
Sweat dribbles down my neck

The time is now.....

The Point.

Posted on 3:30 PM by Miss Euphoria Jade Oyatz | 2 comments

What was the point of this, I mean the point of the whole thing? Right there and then I knew I couldn’t be with him. What was the point of being with this man, this man that couldn’t open his mind to anything, this man who just refused to broaden his horizon, his taste, his style, his learning methods.

Forget methods, he just wasn’t ready to learn. And it’s not like I’m all for change my self, I mean change scares me but I’m so hungry for more that I do it anyway. A girl like me loves to try different things with someone, one who is open-minded and able to adapt after time.

What was the point of being with this man who was quite happy to stay where he was with no intention of changing for the one he claimed he loved. I can’t do this, I can’t be in a hole with him, I changed for him, or I was ready to change for him. To take on some of his values and things he found important, but only if I see him trying to embrace the things that I love. It’s not like I’m a rocket scientist or anything. I’m not asking the man to learn a new fucking language; I’m just asking him to acknowledge the things that I like! I’m not asking him to read every book I’ve ever read and loved, in fact I’m not asking him to read at all, but to acknowledge the fact that I like to read, that I love to write, and maybe once in a while ask a few question.

I’m just asking for the effort. Its not easy for me to put myself in his frame of mind, Lord knows I absolutely hate it but I do it anyway, and ask all the questions that I know he is dying to answer. I do all that, I come to his level and try to teach and explain everything. I’ve learn to dumb everything down, things I never thought would need dumbing down I have dumbed down.

Try to introduce him to new music, I mean we all love music, it’s like a universal thing right? Wrong! Soulful music that everyone can relate to and I mean anyone, I have introduced to him. But every time he gets my iPod and I finally believe I’ve reached out to him, what does he do? Click menu and start searching for the same meaningless overplayed song. And no, I don’t even know why those songs are on iPod in the first place.

How can I be with a guy that can’t listen to my iPod on shuffle without skipping all the time? And when it comes to music I know that I am not one sided and I am one of the most diverse people you could ever hope to meet, everything is welcome bar metallica, but that still isn’t good enough for him.

Take him to the cinema to see a movie that I want and what does he do? Fall asleep! Doesn’t even try to feign interest, just goes right to sleep. And I know the truth of the matter is if you really love someone these things shouldn’t matter but they do and the fact is I don’t love. I don’t love him until we’re in the dark and he gently starts stroking my thighs and starts kissing me, or when he mounts me. I don’t love him until then. Until we’re in the dark and I can picture being with someone that truly gets me and all my crazies, and to be honest he isn’t bad on the eyes, on the contrary he is extremely good on the eyes, with a body that creates deep fired want when he walks or when he smiles. But with all this I only ever truly love him in the dark when I can pretend that I am with his body but the mind of someone that truly gets me.  

So I ask my self what is the real point of all this is? I am only happy with him for a few hours of the day when its dark and I can play make believe without  being caught, and I spend the other hours of the day praying for dark to come or inducing happiness with alcohol. So what is the point of being with this man?

Do I have to pray for a world in total darkness so I can play make belief all day long or do I need to move on and find someone that doesn’t request so much of my fantasying skills?

Lost.....

Posted on 4:02 AM by Miss Euphoria Jade Oyatz | 0 comments




Its overwhelming, it’s swelling in my chest
I feel the tears welling up.
I feel the pressure on my insides
I lost him.
It was cold and my fingers were stiff,
I couldn’t hold on,
I tried to, my joints wouldn’t bend.
I still hear him shouting my name.
And it carries over the sound of the waves and sea
It carries over the incessant screaming in my head.
I claw my fingers into my head, begging for a release.
I draw blood but no pain....
No gain for me.
I want to go with him.
I want someone to let go of me
I want the falling feeling.
I want the nothingness.
I want the whispers of death in my ear.
Anything to kill the screaming in my head.
I’ve cut so many times,
My body has now refused to heal.
I leave a trail of my blood.
That way I never get lost.
Those are my crumbs back.
I have been searching for Lost.
On darkest nights with wicked winds.
I have gone, when madness has robbed me of my sight and reasoning,
Yes, when I was blind I went.
But I never found Lost.
Lost had abandoned me.
And now I will always be found.
These bloody trails will always lead me back to me.
Back into my head,
To the house that has no windows or doors.
The house painted in deep despair with a light coat of anguish.
It is not seen and unfortunately not Lost.
It finds you when death skips you.
It finds you when death takes half of you
And leaves you with the half you cannot take care of.
When cutting no longer goes deep enough,
When blood isn’t red enough.
When the screams of the earth aren’t drowning enough.
And when Lost is nowhere to be found.
This house in my head finds you and takes you in.
If you’re lucky, your case of sadness might be so high
That if finishes you off.
If not,
On darkest nights with wicked winds,
You wander, searching for Lost,
Even though scarlet footprints make it impossible find.



Sleeping Boy....

Posted on 9:07 AM by Miss Euphoria Jade Oyatz | 0 comments

He would jerk and stir in his sleep and I would lie next to him and watch.
Sleep looked so beautiful on him,
He wore it like a fantasy I was dying to be part of.
Stay close enough to taste his breath; it was full but never filling.
It tasted of sweet warmth in the bitter cold and had a hint of calmness in a storm.
I was addicted to his breath....I wanted his tongue to paint it all over the inside of my mouth.
But still he would jerk and stir in his sleep, my heart moved with such deep concern; it would break to watch him...
My fingers, always just the length of an eyelash from his face, were hesitant in laying the touch. Hand would stay suspended, savoring the heat coming from his skin.....
Can’t… fear would always stop me and once again my heart so heavy with concern would shrivel.
 What chased him and stole his peace I wanted to know.
I wanted to be the solution,
His solution,
His peace finder and keeper.
To have my kisses as guards, so I could kiss his nightmares away.
 I wanted all these things on the inside of my arms,
 So I could pick him up and rock him back to safety and back into peace,
 My peace.
But I couldn't,
I wouldn't.....
Fear had me, and it had me good...
I'd watch him stir and jerk and hold my next breathe until he stopped,
Fingers always just an eyelash away from laying the touch.
Maybe one day I'd touch this sleeping boy and find out if I could ever be his peace giver or kissing guard....
Maybe.

The Shrug

Posted on 1:06 AM by Miss Euphoria Jade Oyatz | 1 comments



You have no idea how much I love the movements,
The ones your shoulders make.
The way they go up and sorta roll around in their sockets,
The way your shoulder blades contract.
All this hard work from your body, just so you can SHRUG!
How sexy, how can I ever live without this one movement?!?
#epicfail!
How can you even for one sec think that I would live for that?
How in the gods name could you possibly think that?
Yea, no girl likes nothing more than to pour her soul out to you
Only to receive the all time famous SHRUG.
Being nonchalant is apparently the in thing now.
Speaking has become overrated so the SHRUG has stepped in!
It’s the movement taking over!
Forget about new gadgets or new acronyms.
Or, wait for it....
The almighty BB!
Yea, cus girls all over the world are screaming and drooling as we speak
for dudes who do the SHRUG!
The one movement that says it all.

"I love you"
SHRUG (erm...okay, what am I suppose to do with that?)
"Do you think we're moving too fast?"
SHRUG (I don't know, were we moving? Are we meant to be moving anywhere? Do I even care?)
"I don't think I can see you any more"
SHRUG (you were seeing me? Is that what we were doing? ermm...sure ok)

Since when has you giving a shit enough to give and opinion become uncool,
cus I honestly think I missed that memo!
You wear the SHRUG like guards,
Hoping that everything she says will bounce off the minute you move them shoulders.
Your indifference to life itself is applaudable!
I mean good god, how do you do it, just how?

But I will give you this one thing,
Your idiocy is inspirational to me.
It really is,
That an emotional void as yourself can get by.
I mean don't get me wrong,
I can see how it would work with the ladies
At first they'd be intrigued, and then curious,
But after then they're on mission mode.
On a mission to break the SHRUG, a mission to be the first person to get actual words out of you.
The first person to make you give a shit.
But half way through, failure meets them, or frustration or better yet boredom.
You make epic mysteries look solvable!

But I got to compliment you on this,
You certainly do wear it well,
And when looking at it from the outside,
It actually does look kinda sexy.

Give yourself a pat on the back
And maybe a congratulatory SHRUG, if such exists.
Because like it or not, you are guarded, you are the untouchable!
You might as well be immortal; cats with 9 lives ain't got nothing on you.
But don't forget, when people can't touch you, they can't see you
So, does the SHRUG make you invincible? Maybe.
Does it make you invisible?
 Certainly.

Shout Out To The Lovers

Posted on 5:30 PM by Miss Euphoria Jade Oyatz | 3 comments

Now this isn't my usual type of blog, I'm not pounding you guys with uncontrollably undiluted emotions..... I really just want to use this space and time to give a shout out to all those who are in love, whether it is just new and exciting or old and stronger, either way its something definitely worth mentioning. Just being around people who are in love for the first time is just contagious.... you sit with them and you get the butterflies as well, you notice how the smile reaches their eyes and how adults reduce to kids right before your eyes and try to control a fit of giggles. I would know because I've been there, and every time I meet someone new, it always feels that way. The difference between when you hear from them and when you don't is quite stark... its like one minute your relaxed and calm and the next minute your completely losing it and almost hyperventilating.


The whole process for me still baffles me, I mean no matter how many times you experience it, when it comes round you still can't predict how it will turn out, its like all logic is gone. Things that you would have out right thought stupid and irrational just seem like the one thing that feels right. I mean out of love and on a good day I'd like to think I'm a completely sensible and logical person, but in love, in love the lines that define me gradually fade and my colours no longer have boundaries, they all just sip out and mix together.Its annoying but you can't help smiling, its sometimes painful but you can't help feeling good. Isn't it crazy the way love changes everything? Like 3D glasses everything just looks a whole lot cooler, that one person just grows right in front of you. That annoying odd crooked smile becomes the only thing that you can define as a killer smile. The missing tooth at the bottom you claim gives the smile character.....the droopy eyes are the most capturing things you've ever seen! And what would you do with out that limp on every second step! Or the smell of his breath, one you have now grown accustomed to. Everything about that person now all of a sudden has a reason to be liked.


The desire and lust that comes after the love is a different story all together! I mean if you wanted them before, after the love, want is no longer adequate enough to define what you feel. Its a physical attraction so strong that its almost not even physical anymore.....I mean it just can't be! The sheer passion is sometimes too uncontrollable for just the one body to handle....you feel the need to evacuate your body and just watch it from the outside. The need to be in the other person or to have the other inside of you feels like flame little flames licking your skin....teasing and hurtful all at the same time. If you could open yourself up and swallow the other you would. Just thinking about it.....it really does go past any materialistic thing, its not about looks or stature or styles....the way that other person is becomes YOUR 'turn on', it becomes your swagger.You soon find yourself saying it out loud! when people ask what does it for you you find yourself describing him/her. At that stage you know your screwed.


I am not going into anymore details, this isn't a lecture of any type and has nothing to do with my opinions, its just a shout out to all those who have found their definitions of love and are fearlessly and shamelessly embracing it....shout out cuz y'all are the REAL brave ones....I salute you all!

Nothing to read......

Posted on 5:24 PM by Miss Euphoria Jade Oyatz | 2 comments

I am easy to read
My head too soft and easy to penetrate
My thoughts show no depths
Need to dig myself further into the ground for steadiness.
Attempts to read me have made scholars laugh.
Too easy, they say
There’s nothing to her, nothing to read.
It’s all there.
Not need to look any deeper.
She bares it all on the outside.
Like an item desperate to be bought
Desperate to be wanted
There is no space for mystery.
All is out on display.
Nothing to entice the knowledge thirsters.
But if only they knew,
If only they knew how preposterous these smiles are,
How empty my laughter is.
How vacant my interest is.
If only the noticed the frequent blank stares,
Or how my smiles never quite meet my eyes,
Or how I flinch when brushed by accident.
How can they miss how I savour the spot on my body where contact has been made.
Or how when I think no one is looking, I wipe the tear threatening to fall.
You call yourself scholars and yet you never notice how my arms are constantly wrapped around my torso,
Trying to keep myself from falling apart
Trying to do another persons job
How about my eyes?
You notice them?
You notice the lines that form around them like vines?
And you can’t miss the constant glaze in my eyes.
Or the tremor in my voice,
Or how my posture caves in the minute I’m separated from the crowd.
You don’t know the stories that form at night,
Or the maps that tears leave carved into my face,
Or the way the darkness welcomes me with wide arms despite my weak whimpers,
Or how loneliness strokes me to sleep at night.
And when that doesn’t put me to sleep, depression steps in.
Pounds me to sleep till numbness becomes a merciful gift
They don’t know how sorrow ruthlessly drags me out of bed every morning,
While failure sits and watches my humiliation with a smile.
Is that big enough a mystery for you?
A problem big enough to keep you up at night?
An understanding so unfamiliar that you lust for it day and night?
Consider yourselves enticed.
Consider yourselves baffled.
Consider yourselves dumbstruck.
I am the one specie that requires dissecting and close observations before theories and drawn.
An attempt to read my will be welcomed, but incorrectness is guaranteed.

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