Jade Time

i read it over and over again, it sunk in... that's what i thought, but these words couldn't come out quick enough..... i was overwhelmed. it felt like everything was finally falling backing in place after breaking at such odd angles. i was beyond mend... searing pain... he said every morning felt like the first wake after a painful surgery but with the anesthesia worn out and no one to top up the morphine....mouth wired shut so no one hears your scream... no one to come to your aid. so the scream stays inside...so loud you burst all blood vessels in your head...start an internal bleeding...drowning your insides... you kill yourself. he said it felt like that every morning without me. the smile inside my chest was black with calm. i was at peace with such news...from his glazed eyes i looked in the mirror of my soul.... i was ugly but perfect... i was perfectly ugly.....my lines of breakage were perfectly defined and i had no business trying to hide them anymore. i had won and now wore them as battle scars...all over my body....jagged with persistence... i still couldn't sleep at night... tears that had long ago dried up caused me a great ache in my throat. i was in love but rebelled against her...LOVE... was killing me. she wasn't done with me yet. I had won the battle! i had my scars to prove it, yes!....but somewhere along the line i had somehow managed to catch something and now it/she was killing me.filled with love for a human being i had sworn i would never give.... what could save me i had stubbornly refused to give...not to him! i had won...it stops here! it ends here! i deserve freedom....i did. but this pain haunted my nights, chased away my unconsciousness, and without that all i did was feel and feel.... pain unlike anything i've ever felt....not like the pain of the scars all over me..no...this one was fresh and consuming....choking.... suddenly i felt like the patient in the bed waking from surgery in pain and no one there to help...the only difference was that he was my morphine...the one i wouldn't take....so as i felt myself drown my insides....i felt the wetness at my eyes, yes! i was crying....think drops of red sipping out of me... i was dying...ugly....alone....in pain....but i won....

Today I want to write… it's been long overdue. I have been sitting in my own misery for a couple of days now, thinking that the more intense the pain got the quicker I would be to heal... I've been so concerned with my own grief and have nearly driven myself crazy with my search for a mental exit. But today I watched people on TV who had a lot more going on in the grief and tragedy department; it gave me the exit I had been in search of….. It led me out of the tiny confines of my grief and into the field of their reality; rows and rows of planted pain and woes. You can't imagine the things that people wake up to everyday… I watched a boy paralysed from the neck down giving hope to some with a throat infection…. I mean c'mon! Paralysed from the neck down and a throat infection??? Gosh we humans can be so self-centred it's disgusting. I have been walking around in a daze for the last couple of days because someone took my true worth for granted and walked away. Now it's not so much the person that gets to me, it's the experience of it all….it's like the chapter in the last harry porter book where they were stuck in a cell in gringotts trying to find the real horcrux out of a zillion fakes… I have mentally been trying to detangle the real from the lies… honestly it would better if I could just walk away from it all… and with all this mind trickery I put myself through, I've failed to see that I might have dodged one of the biggest bullets of my life… you see, I would have readily said yes to this individual; to be tied together till death do us part! And now one of his flaws has saved me a possible life of resentment and self loathe..... who knows right? So today, my exit has led me into the lives of other people with a lot more on their plates; I felt petty, self-centred and spoilt. Here I am sitting on my ass being miserable when I've still got all my family members intact, yea I lost a lot in the last year but I still got a job! I live in a house with water and electricity, I'm 36 days away from completing my masters and 38days away from the best trip ever and yet I feel like I've lost the best part of me. Hell! I'm 23! I'm not even sure I've found that part of me; you can't let someone with so little input taint your history to success. But we are so privileged that we take so many things for granted! So when life throws us hiccups we forget to zone in on the stuff that we still have. People that don't have food on the streets are still happy and thankful when they're able to open their eyes every morning even though it's with a pavement beneath their face. I have a gift of writing from God that gives instant relief from pain and I've just been holding back… gosh! You should really see me, I can be so overly dramatic at times…. it's like someone died, but all it really is is me shedding weight holding me back from reaching my goals! And I just want to use this medium to say thank you God for every little thing! Like I mean every little thing… my focus, family, music, art, books, literacy, good health, culinary skills (lol), my friends, my duvet cover, 24 hour internet access, my job, auto correct (my spelling abilities are actually sinful!) The sound of junkies fighting outside my bedroom window at unholy hours! And I'm most grateful for where I'm heading. I'm done trying to tell the real from the lies… I'm using my exit door to gain perspective and focus on what's more important… my glass tilted and I lost something's but it's not half empty its half full….that's my perspective ;)