My First Stitch....
Everything hurts...I put my first stitch in today and it hurt twice as much as the wound and I cried twice as hard.
There was nothing left to bleed though. These arms are no longer long enough to hold this body together.... I can't stop this breaking effect...I thought there was a limit to how much one memory could break me but I was wrong, cracks that were too tiny to see have some how found a way to split into two. These violent vibrations that rock this fragile body are catastrophic....they shake everything away...self esteem, the very core of who I am and I can't seem to stop it. I have become a cripple.... And to think that this is only the first stitch, to think that this one wound will require many more excruciating stitches... the thought makes me want to second think healing at all. You took me away from me, you broke me while you were still aware, it was a concious effort on your part....and though the blood I bled radiant, brighter than any other, still wasn't enough to call your attention to your written tragedy.... This written tragedy which is now my life. Cries and screams that frighten the body that they come out from were not enough to make you want to come see about me. Pain so deep it has its on heart beat. I gave everything and then some....and as I write right now I know I am not coming from a place where love exist or were the courageous dwell....but its surprising that I still carry this love in my heart.....it is represented in every shredded piece of this heart. I know I still have a pulse some where....although excitement runs over me when I can't find it sometimes, I wish to be without pulse.....I wish to not be. But it would be too easy to hurt once and not wake again.... too easy and too kind.I can not put a finger on the source of this maddening agony because again that will be too easy, throbbing of nothingness in me makes me beg for numbness... I do not sleep any more I just hurt in my unconsciousness and wake up to the reality of my pain. I feel no shame in reassuring you that you broke me, You took me and broke me. You can take credit for this art....you have orchestrated these daily nightmares I now live ...pinched myself so many times to try and wake up, but only causing further wounds which will eventually need healing in the future. If I refuse to heal I walk around being labled your trophy, a walking proof of just how strong you are.... But I can no longer be the blank canvas that you destructively paint on. I am weak from the shoves and pounding, the bashing and splashing, and from the occasional slashing..... I only take comfort in knowing that pain like this has been felt before, misery so comfortable has been broken before....I will be brave enough to put that second stitch in some day....but not today...today I wallow in the pain of this one stitch and rock myself from nothing into something.....Today is my first stitch...
