Jade Time

Sometimes I think God keeps me in my present situation so I can be closer to Him. Sometimes I think that He thinks that if I get all the things I want and are comfortable I would think that I didn't need Him as much. So to keep me close to Him He keeps me in this state of constantly wanting and needing more, because it is actually true, you only seek God when you realise you haven't got much else. It's terrible I know, the earnestness only comes through when your heart longs for a change or 'breakthrough'. So perhaps keeping us, sorry, me in this state has helped me with my relationship with Him, or should. Now I know I'm not exactly painting God in the best light but it's just how my mind wanders. But then again I could just be completely ungrateful and that's how I've somehow managed to come up with this regrettable theory. Maybe I do have all the things I need but just can't see it, maybe it's all in my head. God has never been one to hold back on giving His children what they need to get by… so what is it then? When you see other people that do more than just 'get by' you just have to stop and think… I know that God loves me but it's not yet connecting. How are these normal people, who aren't much different from me, just going by their day and doing so well??? Because if God doesn't love them then would I really be wrong to not what to be loved sometimes, just so I can do more than just 'get by'! But then the whole thing of waiting on God's time comes to play and then, well then you just throw your hands up in defeat, because truly nothing makes sense. And I find myself in this truly upsetting limbo between the God fearing who always just seem to be in the right place at the right time and the not so God fearing who just seem so darn lucky. And then there's me, in the valley of these two 'winning' hill tops, "WHAT ABOUT ME???" Is what I find myself thinking, instead of shouting. And yes, I know what you guys are thinking; that I should stop thinking that just because I'm God fearing means it will all fall into place without me putting any work in. I do not think like that, in fact I somehow think I have mastered the trick of eluding both God's blessing and lucky unconsciously, so all I've ever known is 'putting work in'. Maybe I'm the middle ground that was never meant to be, and let's face it someone has to be not so great to make other people feel grateful and maybe that's me. I mean don't know really, maybe there's no sense in what I'm saying and I'm totally alone in this valley of mine or maybe it really is all about God's timing and I'm just an extremely ungrateful brat right now who deserves nothing more than for her world to REALLY fall apart. It's all very hard to tell and distinguish when you're low in spirits. Maybe God has given me this time of 'no distractions' to really work on my relationship with Him to prepare me for the greatness that's just round the corner and like the little minded human I am, all I can see to do is complain and moan…. But this is yet only another 'maybe' and after all I only really think like this sometimes…

New shoes! This post has nothing to do with new shoes but I just got a new pair and I've just finished crippling myself in them while pretending to be a sexy video vixen with my pj shorts on while brushing my teeth… complete with my hair net of course! and my brother shaking his head in disapproval LOL! Anyway a lot has obviously gone on since my last post and this isn't my usual style of writing…. I don't do the whole 'my-blog-is-my-online-diary' so we're not going to play catch up or anything (who the bloody hell is 'We' though???? LOL). Not like I've had an eager audience checking in every other day for a new post, but don't worry my love, this place was created for my time… Jade Time, and we never expected much or any traffic at all to be honest. Just somewhere pretty and organized to throw my not so organized thoughts in a theatrical and slightly over dramatic style! Any way so a lot has happened since my last post and now that I'm thinking about it I somehow think this material will be better suited for the sister blog… it's where I go to throw stuff like THIS!…. When I say 'THIS' I mean posts that have nothing to do with the title, so are most times untitled and really a lot about nothing and sorta pointless too thinking about it now, but still worth writing apparently… but that's just what I think. It's great to be able to create these little places where you can just come and yank the mess in her head and throw it at the screen to see if it creates something interesting and worth reading again or…. If it presents you with yourself and your reality which is sometimes hard to come back and read again but somehow necessary from time to time… you just never know I guess. There are so many things tugging at me that I feel I should touch on but I fear that I might be a bit classless in the way I go on about it so I'll wait till I'm in a better position to get it all out there creatively. So as you can see this post was completely unnecessary and a lot about nothing but I enjoyed writing it…. I find my mindless mumblings somewhat therapeutic… but like I said this spot was created for me to just, well… you know, off load. Hmmm… I wonder if I should become one those girls who comes back to report every insignificant thing about my week… you know, like the young career girl who is loved by everyone envied by a few…. Great friends with a really cool job and who constantly tries to find herself through stupid overrated experiences that barely scratch beyond the surface of life's true lessons…. I'd probably have to start using kisses and hugs after each post to my devoted readers and change my template to something really hip and girly that makes every post look like a post-it! Or a fecking DIARY! Ok, I'm done now!

i read it over and over again, it sunk in... that's what i thought, but these words couldn't come out quick enough..... i was overwhelmed. it felt like everything was finally falling backing in place after breaking at such odd angles. i was beyond mend... searing pain... he said every morning felt like the first wake after a painful surgery but with the anesthesia worn out and no one to top up the morphine....mouth wired shut so no one hears your scream... no one to come to your aid. so the scream stays inside...so loud you burst all blood vessels in your head...start an internal bleeding...drowning your insides... you kill yourself. he said it felt like that every morning without me. the smile inside my chest was black with calm. i was at peace with such news...from his glazed eyes i looked in the mirror of my soul.... i was ugly but perfect... i was perfectly ugly.....my lines of breakage were perfectly defined and i had no business trying to hide them anymore. i had won and now wore them as battle scars...all over my body....jagged with persistence... i still couldn't sleep at night... tears that had long ago dried up caused me a great ache in my throat. i was in love but rebelled against her...LOVE... was killing me. she wasn't done with me yet. I had won the battle! i had my scars to prove it, yes!....but somewhere along the line i had somehow managed to catch something and now it/she was killing me.filled with love for a human being i had sworn i would never give.... what could save me i had stubbornly refused to give...not to him! i had won...it stops here! it ends here! i deserve freedom....i did. but this pain haunted my nights, chased away my unconsciousness, and without that all i did was feel and feel.... pain unlike anything i've ever felt....not like the pain of the scars all over me..no...this one was fresh and consuming....choking.... suddenly i felt like the patient in the bed waking from surgery in pain and no one there to help...the only difference was that he was my morphine...the one i wouldn't take....so as i felt myself drown my insides....i felt the wetness at my eyes, yes! i was crying....think drops of red sipping out of me... i was dying...ugly....alone....in pain....but i won....

Today I want to write… it's been long overdue. I have been sitting in my own misery for a couple of days now, thinking that the more intense the pain got the quicker I would be to heal... I've been so concerned with my own grief and have nearly driven myself crazy with my search for a mental exit. But today I watched people on TV who had a lot more going on in the grief and tragedy department; it gave me the exit I had been in search of….. It led me out of the tiny confines of my grief and into the field of their reality; rows and rows of planted pain and woes. You can't imagine the things that people wake up to everyday… I watched a boy paralysed from the neck down giving hope to some with a throat infection…. I mean c'mon! Paralysed from the neck down and a throat infection??? Gosh we humans can be so self-centred it's disgusting. I have been walking around in a daze for the last couple of days because someone took my true worth for granted and walked away. Now it's not so much the person that gets to me, it's the experience of it all….it's like the chapter in the last harry porter book where they were stuck in a cell in gringotts trying to find the real horcrux out of a zillion fakes… I have mentally been trying to detangle the real from the lies… honestly it would better if I could just walk away from it all… and with all this mind trickery I put myself through, I've failed to see that I might have dodged one of the biggest bullets of my life… you see, I would have readily said yes to this individual; to be tied together till death do us part! And now one of his flaws has saved me a possible life of resentment and self loathe..... who knows right? So today, my exit has led me into the lives of other people with a lot more on their plates; I felt petty, self-centred and spoilt. Here I am sitting on my ass being miserable when I've still got all my family members intact, yea I lost a lot in the last year but I still got a job! I live in a house with water and electricity, I'm 36 days away from completing my masters and 38days away from the best trip ever and yet I feel like I've lost the best part of me. Hell! I'm 23! I'm not even sure I've found that part of me; you can't let someone with so little input taint your history to success. But we are so privileged that we take so many things for granted! So when life throws us hiccups we forget to zone in on the stuff that we still have. People that don't have food on the streets are still happy and thankful when they're able to open their eyes every morning even though it's with a pavement beneath their face. I have a gift of writing from God that gives instant relief from pain and I've just been holding back… gosh! You should really see me, I can be so overly dramatic at times…. it's like someone died, but all it really is is me shedding weight holding me back from reaching my goals! And I just want to use this medium to say thank you God for every little thing! Like I mean every little thing… my focus, family, music, art, books, literacy, good health, culinary skills (lol), my friends, my duvet cover, 24 hour internet access, my job, auto correct (my spelling abilities are actually sinful!) The sound of junkies fighting outside my bedroom window at unholy hours! And I'm most grateful for where I'm heading. I'm done trying to tell the real from the lies… I'm using my exit door to gain perspective and focus on what's more important… my glass tilted and I lost something's but it's not half empty its half full….that's my perspective ;)

He lay there… can't quite remember how long I had been watching him for.

He was beautiful, so peaceful…. I had an urge to kneel and whisper promises….

The ones I had recently broken.

The stake was back in and I could feel the wetness of my internal bleeding.

You see this was my torment so it only happened on my insides.

Felt like I had been stabbed from within too….

I knew that wasn't actually possible… but it signified the pain I had inflicted on myself.

The pain in my chest was hard and this mental stake of mine stuck out at a weird angle,

I couldn't lie on it or roll on it.

It dug deeper when I was around him… when he touched me I couldn't explain the pain…

Pain so deafening but still unable to stop my want for him.

He'd kiss me and I could swear that the stake had pierced right through me and now stuck out my back.

Discomfort so real, yet he would look at me and just see me.

Couldn't hear the drip drop of the blood racing down my leg or the footprints I left everywhere….

He couldn't see the spot where I had broken his heart, or the long nights of anger and pain I had in store for him.

How could he, this was all mental.

And just for me.

Truth of the matter is that I had been with another.

Not a significant another…. But still/just another.

It was enough….

I…….

I had recently tried to explain it to myself, why had it happened….

It was enough.

Longer nights and harder truths ….

Sweet kisses with thebitter aftertaste ….

It was all of that I felt… emotions and senses were mixed up.

I somehow managed to still feel the victim…. Like there was something deeper going on

Imagined myself a small play figure on someone's board game.

I was moving and operating against my will.

That was my worthless justification, did me not an ounce of good but I retold it to myself….

He loved me, I had no excuse

He was enough.

That was how myself found a way to stab itself.

It wasn't a case of him finding out… that would probably be hard

But the pain…..

My god the pain…

Suffering in silence…. My cross to bear and I was ready to bear it… I deserved it

But the pain…..

The pian….

Around him they multiplied, any affection he showed me skinned me right there on the spot.

I was raw…. but he touched and stroked me like I was smooth…..

I gave myself great waves of nausea…. I was sickened

During the day I felt not ease but it was bearable…. Not really

Nights were harder…..

It explained why I was standing in this corner right now staring at him sleep

I still envied whatever peace he was going through now….

Sleep had become unfamiliar to me.

I had to get away for him when possible but I could somehow never get myself to fully leave him.

I loved him and that part of what was left of my heart still reigned over this fierce pain.

Again I inflicted pain on myself.

I was losing him….. the pain was always harder than the day before.

It ate at my brain…. I had lost my mind.

It was soon….

I would tell him and the stake would be removed, and right before I heal, the pain of loss will take over…..

That was what would finish me off…...

The end was nigh for me... and so I touched a little harder and screamed a lot louder.

It was enough.

Now kneeling, I whispered my promises….

My recently broken promises of forever and steadfastness…..

Memories I had tainted, dreams I had awoken….

I whispered it all.

It was over quickly…. Hot white lights…. My teeth were clenched tight

My fingers dug into my chest trying to clutch at the breaking inside of me.

Loud tears escape down my face but not a sound did I let escape from my lips….

I was ablaze inside….. my god!

My cross to bear….

I crawled back into bed and held him

Skin sizzled but what was left of my heart was leading

And despite the mental pain of guilt

This was where I wanted to be

Behind the handprints of another all over me lay the steady mark he left on me

I hushed myself as I held him and prayed that my tears wouldn't wake him

I whispered back unchanging promises into his dreams

It was enough….

He should have been enough.