It wasn't you/ You weren't there

Posted on 4:22 PM by Miss Euphoria Jade Oyatz | 1 comments

You got to keep on walking; you just got to keep on going. Everything in my body wanted to turn around, just to turn around and somehow make him my Mr Right. But I had to keep walking, it’s not him, you’ve given him enough time to rise to the position but he never did, he could have but he never did. So, now you got to keep walking, you got to keep on going because it’s not him. No matter how much you want that cheeky smile to mean something it never will, it never did, and it will never hold promises of change or promises of a future, it will just always be a cheeky smile that sometimes makes you smile back, but not today. So keep walking………

Killing me couldn’t explain it. Unlike normal it was four words and not three, started with ‘I’ and ended with ‘You’ but didn’t mean the same thing, or give me that feeling of controlling gravity or my insides smiling, no it didn't.

It sucked the breath out of me and solidified tears behind my eyes causing a severe ache. ‘ I Don’t Want You’, even without tears my vision became blurred and panic washed over me, little vibrations rolled of my skin and before I knew it the ground seemed to be shaking, seemed to be, it was really me.

 I was blank for the first few seconds when I heard it, and then for a few more minutes when I realised that it came for you. The air around me became thick with dread and I somehow could not take it into my lungs. That must have been what started the dizziness. You don’t want me, your returning me? What’s wrong with me, can I fix it? The finality in your eyes was frightening and as I looked into them I realised that you weren’t there. So, I guess I should have taken relief in the fact it wasn’t really you that said it, but I couldn’t, if you weren’t in there then where were you? Either way I’d lost you, so it was no longer a case of you not wanting me, it was more like me not having you anymore.

 Knowing that alone was enough to cause serious harm to myself. Walking away wasn’t really hard, it was more like an action that had to be done, there was no other reason to stand there, and I’d lost you. And although I knew that the person standing there looked and sounded like you, it wasn’t enough to keep me there. The battle had been lost, you were lost and so was I.

I Do Things To Numb Myself

Posted on 4:08 PM by Miss Euphoria Jade Oyatz | 1 comments

Ok, I had written this a good while ago, and I guess it was when I was going through my depression era and being on my own was daunting.... Thankfully I'm out of that era but it still somehow appeals to me....


I do things to numb myself, because I can no longer do normal things, no longer have time to myself...... Time to think, time to be alone. And so I do certain things to numb myself, make my passage through time effortless and somehow not in time..... To pass through time and make nothing of it, to pass through time and not have to remember. I do things to numb myself...I do not what time to think, to ponder about the why’s, and when’s, the what if’s and why not’s... things like sleep and quiet times are out of the question. Even dreams are things I would avoid if I truly could. Anything that allows me insight into my thoughts scares me, everything that goes up there through my touch and sight, I prefer to leave undisturbed. My mind can do a lot of horrible things to me...thats why I would much rather pass through life without any thoughts, to sacrifice the good memories that I clutch to on lonely nights if it meant keeping the bad and mysterious ones away. I have never been the curious type and prefer to leave certain things the way they are. The mysteries of my mind are not ones that I burn to solve. I’d rather be numb than have my mind taunt me with illusions or mock me with my expectations. The clocks have been ticking for a while and still are but instead of the ticking creating an urgency it has become like the sound of my own heart beat, something that happens in the background. A sound that I have learnt to tune out at will. The ticking has no effect on me, and now I have lost time and only go through moments. Moments that cannot actually be called moments because I have shunned memories that make moments, and now have nothing to measure time or what is and isn't.... with the absence of time I have nothing to record and nothing to account for in the end, because you see, I never used time therefore it was never wasted, I have nothing to account for and should be thrown into oblivion as punishment. But maybe my life is what I owe them account for, because it’s the one thing I would gladly give back. I never quite figured it out and it has never really been much good to me or to the one that gave it to me. If I gave it back then I would not be.... i would numb………..forever.

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