Jade Time

I wish to write about love, but I'm afraid my words fail me again.

I must admit that I am lost, perhaps this is love.

The lost feeling you get, the dread you feel… I don't know.

I wish to write about love but I'm afraid my words fail me…


 
Are we met to feel this way?

Should I wish myself in a hole where I can die numb?

Free from pain…

Love, the necessity that can kill.


 
I do not understand how something that can kill you is called a necessity…

My brain or train of thought too fragile and narrow to accommodate or grasp such logic.

Perhaps.

A world without love, I cannot put my figure on what might be wrong with that picture.

You can not mourn the absence of something you have never felt.

We would be none the wiser in such a world.

Free from the clutches of SHE that claims us ruthlessly

SHE that always prevails at our expense,

Never mind the rising numbers of casualties.

Is that what we should feel or have we somehow missed the prescribed formula.

Love is for the brave, it has to be… surely you understand that your life is at stake,

And they do say love is a losing game.


 
We have been given will from birth, so why not choice in this matter?


 
I am not the brave and my heart is weak, I lack comprehension amidst clarity.

I would like to be opted out of this war between HER and one's self.

I wish to be free from ever falling into HER clutches, she is unforgiving.

Douse me in the blood that will allow her to pass me over, unseen.

But alas… no such choice has ever been given, only will.

But even with will we still come up short against HER.

Pardon me… I seem to have lost my train of thought…


 
Yes I am in HER… love

But I'm afraid I have been played an unfair deal…

The object of my affection is away

Away from me

So it is pain…

Never familiar but constant…

It quickens the tempo of the evolving need inside of me.


 
I am haggard and seek relief selfishly… but she is not obliging.

I am very deep and there are no walls for me to crawl.

I am trying to stay afloat but my legs and arms threaten to fail me…

I have realised that to end this I must end me… drown.

Go down below where water offers comfort to the swallowed ones.


 
I am connected to HER, she appears to be my life line.

To rid myself of HER I must rid myself of me.

I am HER unwilling vessel…

Tarnished on the outside but SHE remains safe and untouched inside.

This is where my will comes in… my substitution for choice.

I stop and sink… hoping that the gushing waters invading my insides drown HER.

It does… SHE drowns

But so do I…

Love, the necessity that can kill.


 

  
I need to talk to you outside….

He was obliging and walked with me…

The silent anger had consumed him and I could see the caution lines vibrating of him.

It was a struggle…

But I was not myself either and didn't have the time to take in his present state.

I was angry and I could feel the senseless scream roughly caressing my throat.

It was digressing.

There were tears but I couldn't feel them.

I was irritated with myself for being angry with no direction.

There was nowhere to put them all and i couldn't be a vessel anymore I sought peace of mind. It would spew out of me and I needed a blank canvas to take my violent colours of fear, pain, bitterness, jealously and growing contempt. I needed a forgiving… he stood in front of me again but I had been crying for too long so I was unaware that his mercy and tolerance had run out. It was routine now… I needed a release, he was ugly to me now…. My emotional regurgitation hung all over him with nine directed at him. He was the cross bearer for the ones before him… but I was selfish and couldn't see past his sincerity. Still heavy with the wounds of before…. I was consumed with pain and felt nothing else. They should have healed but I no longer knew how to cater to myself after giving so much in the past…. So now they had become infected. He met me this way… sat with me on the grey days and watched me at my most shameful…. I bled; I cried… cold sweats trickled down my neglected skin…. I was sick but so hurtful to those that offered. After taking one violent bashing they usually all left….. I'd let the familiar blanket of self-pity clothe me again… I stunk…. It was of stale heart ache and decayed love… it was disgusting and kept most wanderers at bay. Most…. But not him… he sat with me every day and spoke to me about a light I could never remember seeing… he claimed that he saw it in me and that was what kept him coming back…. He took all my hits and though I could see the impact on him, he was silent…. This ruined the little satisfaction I gained from it… was not long before resentment followed…. I despised him and the good he promoted… I loathed the admiration in his voice when he spoke of me and the awe in his eyes when he looked at me… I was stubborn so I didn't let him touch me… my infections had become worse… I could feel them killing parts of me but I still kept him at bay…. He could fix me… I felt it once when he touched me, it was brief but reliving…. I'd have to let him in of course if I really wanted to be fixed… but I didn't have it in me…. Whatever was coming to finish me off was awfully close before he arrived…. He stood in front of me now… it was routine…

She stood there… I knew what was coming

I was tired… but something kept me coming back…

I didn't know what it was… she was ruined from her past

It showed all over her…

I had never met someone who bore EVERYTHING on the outside before….

At first I was fascinated, intrigued… but now

I was tired…

Weeks on end I had dedicated to her, I thought I was helping her.

She was beyond….

It would take a voyage to get her back but I was only one man,

A slave to his own beliefs… but today…

Today I was tired.

I didn't wait for it…

She had to be grabbed… there was a need for aggressiveness.

I had to get to her forcefully… I couldn't help from the distance she permitted me.


 
The force was unexpected,

The touch was unfamiliar, it hurt.

His hands were directly on my wounds… but he was touching.

It was rough… I felt surprised.

The dead thing in my chest gave a jolt.

It was like shocks through me…. It hurt.

Something was flowing in me now… I felt oddly connected to the rest of my body

This hurt too…

He looked different.

He was screaming something at me…he was angry

I hadn't seen it on anyone else for a while… I was

I was sad…. It hurt

I was distracted again by what was going on inside me.

He's hands were still on me…

It still hurt… but it was softened with purpose.

I was opening up and he could touch me… was touching me

I was healing …it was different

I was overwhelmed and felt my legs give way

I was fast approaching my comfort zone…. The ground

But he caught me…. It was welcomed

He touched me out of hurt…. But I it was my healing….