You Were Right There… Deji
He told me he had been rushed to the hospital but he was a secret worrier so I just played it down in my head till it registered who he was actually talking about… I don't know what took over me but the pessimist in me rose to the occasion momentarily and I heard a faint 'he might not make it' right before I jammed the door shut on that part of my brain. It was out of the blue, it was out of context! it had nothing to do with the prior conversation… all through the day I juggled worse case scenarios in my head trying to mentally prep myself for the worse. After all he wasn't my other half but my other half's other half… so in that sense he was an extended other half of mine. And when the call came through in the early hours of the morning I knew what I had to do, I knew what that flash on my phone meant but Got have mercy when I heard my other half say the words on the phone reality did not set in… what did set in was the fact that I wasn't ready. Death had always loomed around but it had always been on the outside of my circle, but now… now it was one person away from me. The thought of dying has not been something I have thought long and hard about… it scares me, but to the normal amount. I don't wake up in cold sweats in the middle of the night with the fear of dying. However what I do fear more is having death take away something that you would rather not live without and making you do it when you're not quite ready… Deji was dead and even though I knew it before hearing it nothing could describe the shock I felt of having death in my circle. I could feel it and I could feel the gap vicariously from my other half. I thought I could be stronger because there was no direct connect to him apart from the fact that we had met and he was someone I was thrilled about getting to know more as my future with my other half progressed. I had all the time imagined him as one of the few men walking side by side and prostrating with my other half on a certain special day. Someone I would later on learn to confide in when things weren't going too well. Someone who we would have over every Sunday and often reflect on just how radical and hilarious his speech was on our wedding day…. He was a tremendous person and had lived vicariously in my life for the last two years without really knowing it. I feel silly for being this upset and having numerous outbursts of tears throughout today as I am currently doing… but I can't help it. The vivid flash backs of him in sitting in my kitchen in London two Christmases ago haunt me. I try to think about how that visit would have gone if I had known he would die today…. I don't know how to say this but he didn't look the dying type, he didn't look the 'one minute here, next minute gone' type of guy. He looked like a fresh batch of life and zeal. We used to tease him that he had to move back home to settle down and get a proper girlfriend and start a family and that was exactly what he was about to do in a few months, and it gave me peace at night knowing that my other half would have a positive driving force nearby seeing as I am miles away… but, now that's all gone and I've been sitting here for hours trying to decide on how to bring these numerous questions before God respectively because right now I am rigid with fear. I am secretly letting all my dreams and aspirations fly away with the wind because I could be gone tomorrow… I am secretly asking God if death is going to come any closer so I can learn to love a little less or stop all together. I am scared every feeling rushing through my body, scared to ignore anything that might be pointing to an impending doom, trying to read signs that most likely mean nothing. I am just scared because suddenly will always fall short of really describing how quickly Deji left… where are you?
