i LOVED all the way to HATE

Posted on 3:30 AM by Miss Euphoria Jade Oyatz | 1 comments

For those of you who think they know whom this is about...it is not.... I could never hate said person.... the love wasn't THAT strong :p .....record time of 7 mins...I'm impressed with myself..... I'm not one of those ppl that write when they are filled with joy...i write when I need to release... when something is too much for me to carry, when it becomes uncomfortable...when I'm happy, I want to stay happy for as long as possible, so, i don't write then...i keep it all in... but when in pain sometimes....i like to see it all out in front me...and i have found that i am more expressive when in pain....writing this has put the biggest smile on my face...call me twisted....but this is what comes naturally to me....this is what i write...


I LOVED you all the way to HATE
I watched every step...I watched it happen
I loved you all the way to hate....
I felt it change in my system
I felt my acid crucify those butterflies in my tummy....

I LOVED you all the way to HATE.....
You took me,
And when you returned me,
It wasn’t me....

I LOVED you all the way to HATE...
They say that that  journey is too far to make,
And that it never happens
But....
I LOVED you all the way to HATE.

I loved you in heaven,
Gave birth on earth,
And woke up in hell....
I LOVED you all the way to HATE....

I LOVED you all the way to HATE....
These tears served as my stream.....
Your lies were the currents that pushed me....
These oars were the pieces of me you took and brought back different
This boat is my delusions of what I thought we were
 I LOVED you all the way to HATE....

Row row your boat, furiously down the stream...
Furiously furiously....
Life isn’t all it seems....

I LOVED you all the way to HATE

Whatever You Want It To Be About....

Posted on 7:12 AM by Miss Euphoria Jade Oyatz | 3 comments

This is literally and abstract from whatever...it came to me and I put it down... I know its part of a story, but I have no beginning or end...or story line....it almost feels like a dream....I know i was thinking of Jos when I wrote it...trying to put myself in the position....an out of body experience maybe...it's whatever you want it to be about...

Mind at ease.... beautiful scenery..... Calm music playing in the background.... The smell of coffee wafts through the air, city dwellers bustle in and out...there’s laughter and easy conversation. Two fingers to my head and I smile satisfyingly, I am at ease...colour, lights and sounds take me....my calm swirls round me, taking me away...taking me to... ..Eyes open and I can feel the change bursting my calm bubble...... Everything is in slow motion now...there’s dust rising but not falling... turn around and there are figures moving, I can see them running in a panicked frenzy but no one seems to know where they are going...evidence of the presence of fear, and then it hits me.....I close my eyes again willing myself to awake from this surreal nightmare.....I’m inside...but no calm music or easy conversation..... Have an out of body experience and.... stand in the middle of a dingy looking room.... passionately talk  to a lady who stares right past me... I clutch at my chest while my other hand is stretched forward towards this oblivious being. As I speak to this women I cry and jump and cringe in fright occasionally....there is no sound, I watch myself in mute, but I can tell that there is a noise outside that causes me to jump....the room is very dark...... I can see light coming from a high window...it looks like we’re almost underground...I catch myself looking towards the window with panic and fear...for a few seconds I am caught in this fear, but quickly return to my apparent pleading with this women, a bit more urgent now...I touch her arm and point to the window with panic but still she stares at the space behind me.... I take her face in my hands.....forcing her to look at me..... she fixes me with the same blank stare .......my eyes hurriedly search hers for something...... I point to a corner of the room...I noticed that my tears come down fiercer now and I point again to the corner of the room... it is dark...... I cannot see what I am pointing to...it looks like something huddled and whatever it is, is quite still...whatever it is pulls at me heart strings because I watch myself break down into dangerous sobs......I clutch at my chest like I am trying to keep a wound closed....... I carry on pleading to this woman....I watch the pleading for a few more minutes then  move closer to the corner I was pointing to..... Trying to get a better look at whatever it is that is huddled up...a little movement....... I see it is a child.......a little boy.......sits perfectly still.....knees up to his chest and little arms around his legs... ....his facial expression mirrors that of the oblivious woman that I am still trying to persuade........he seems to be sitting in some sort of puddle....from the wet patch on his pants I can tell it is his own urine........he cannot be older than 7 years old.......he seems to be in fear too...... cringes and shudders  from whatever noise is coming from above...... I am still kneeling in front of this nonchalant woman......a noise makes me jump and stand still......I see movement from the corner of my eye...the little boy seems to have moved........he comes to stand next to me and this woman....leaving little wet footprints as he crosses the room....... clutches my waist.......i grab him round the shoulders..... pull him closer towards me.......we all stand still.......waiting.......I see shivers rolling off me......I can’t tell that what is going on but the fear is so tangible and I begin to shiver too......

It wasn't you/ You weren't there

Posted on 4:22 PM by Miss Euphoria Jade Oyatz | 1 comments

You got to keep on walking; you just got to keep on going. Everything in my body wanted to turn around, just to turn around and somehow make him my Mr Right. But I had to keep walking, it’s not him, you’ve given him enough time to rise to the position but he never did, he could have but he never did. So, now you got to keep walking, you got to keep on going because it’s not him. No matter how much you want that cheeky smile to mean something it never will, it never did, and it will never hold promises of change or promises of a future, it will just always be a cheeky smile that sometimes makes you smile back, but not today. So keep walking………

Killing me couldn’t explain it. Unlike normal it was four words and not three, started with ‘I’ and ended with ‘You’ but didn’t mean the same thing, or give me that feeling of controlling gravity or my insides smiling, no it didn't.

It sucked the breath out of me and solidified tears behind my eyes causing a severe ache. ‘ I Don’t Want You’, even without tears my vision became blurred and panic washed over me, little vibrations rolled of my skin and before I knew it the ground seemed to be shaking, seemed to be, it was really me.

 I was blank for the first few seconds when I heard it, and then for a few more minutes when I realised that it came for you. The air around me became thick with dread and I somehow could not take it into my lungs. That must have been what started the dizziness. You don’t want me, your returning me? What’s wrong with me, can I fix it? The finality in your eyes was frightening and as I looked into them I realised that you weren’t there. So, I guess I should have taken relief in the fact it wasn’t really you that said it, but I couldn’t, if you weren’t in there then where were you? Either way I’d lost you, so it was no longer a case of you not wanting me, it was more like me not having you anymore.

 Knowing that alone was enough to cause serious harm to myself. Walking away wasn’t really hard, it was more like an action that had to be done, there was no other reason to stand there, and I’d lost you. And although I knew that the person standing there looked and sounded like you, it wasn’t enough to keep me there. The battle had been lost, you were lost and so was I.

I Do Things To Numb Myself

Posted on 4:08 PM by Miss Euphoria Jade Oyatz | 1 comments

Ok, I had written this a good while ago, and I guess it was when I was going through my depression era and being on my own was daunting.... Thankfully I'm out of that era but it still somehow appeals to me....


I do things to numb myself, because I can no longer do normal things, no longer have time to myself...... Time to think, time to be alone. And so I do certain things to numb myself, make my passage through time effortless and somehow not in time..... To pass through time and make nothing of it, to pass through time and not have to remember. I do things to numb myself...I do not what time to think, to ponder about the why’s, and when’s, the what if’s and why not’s... things like sleep and quiet times are out of the question. Even dreams are things I would avoid if I truly could. Anything that allows me insight into my thoughts scares me, everything that goes up there through my touch and sight, I prefer to leave undisturbed. My mind can do a lot of horrible things to me...thats why I would much rather pass through life without any thoughts, to sacrifice the good memories that I clutch to on lonely nights if it meant keeping the bad and mysterious ones away. I have never been the curious type and prefer to leave certain things the way they are. The mysteries of my mind are not ones that I burn to solve. I’d rather be numb than have my mind taunt me with illusions or mock me with my expectations. The clocks have been ticking for a while and still are but instead of the ticking creating an urgency it has become like the sound of my own heart beat, something that happens in the background. A sound that I have learnt to tune out at will. The ticking has no effect on me, and now I have lost time and only go through moments. Moments that cannot actually be called moments because I have shunned memories that make moments, and now have nothing to measure time or what is and isn't.... with the absence of time I have nothing to record and nothing to account for in the end, because you see, I never used time therefore it was never wasted, I have nothing to account for and should be thrown into oblivion as punishment. But maybe my life is what I owe them account for, because it’s the one thing I would gladly give back. I never quite figured it out and it has never really been much good to me or to the one that gave it to me. If I gave it back then I would not be.... i would numb………..forever.

My First Stitch....

Posted on 12:28 AM by Miss Euphoria Jade Oyatz | 2 comments

Everything hurts...I put my first stitch in today and it hurt twice as much as the wound and I cried twice as hard.
There was nothing left to bleed though. These arms are no longer long enough to hold this body together.... I can't stop this breaking effect...I thought there was a limit to how much one memory could break me but I was wrong, cracks that were too tiny to see have some how found a way to split into two. These violent vibrations that rock this fragile body are catastrophic....they shake everything away...self esteem, the very core of who I am and I can't seem to stop it. I have become a cripple.... And to think that this is only the first stitch, to think that this one wound will require many more excruciating stitches... the thought makes me want to second think healing at all. You took me away from me, you broke me while you were still aware, it was a concious effort on your part....and though the blood I bled radiant, brighter than any other, still wasn't enough to call your attention to your written tragedy.... This written tragedy which is now my life. Cries and screams that frighten the body that they come out from were not enough to make you want to come see about me. Pain so deep it has its on heart beat. I gave everything and then some....and as I write right now I know I am not coming from a place where love exist or were the courageous dwell....but its surprising that I still carry this love in my heart.....it is represented in every shredded piece of this heart. I know I still have a pulse some where....although excitement runs over me when I can't find it sometimes, I wish to be without pulse.....I wish to not be. But it would be too easy to hurt once and not wake again.... too easy and too kind.I can not put a finger on the source of this maddening agony because again that will be too easy, throbbing of nothingness in me makes me beg for numbness... I do not sleep any more I just hurt in my unconsciousness and wake up to the reality of my pain. I feel no shame in reassuring you that you broke me, You took me and broke me. You can take credit for this art....you have orchestrated these daily nightmares I now live ...pinched myself so many times to try and wake up, but only causing further wounds which will eventually need healing in the future. If I refuse to heal I walk around being labled your trophy, a walking proof of just how strong you are.... But I can no longer be the blank canvas that you destructively paint on. I am weak from the shoves and pounding, the bashing and splashing, and from the occasional slashing..... I only take comfort in knowing that pain like this has been felt before, misery so comfortable has been broken before....I will be brave enough to put that second stitch in some day....but not today...today I wallow in the pain of this one stitch and rock myself from nothing into something.....Today is my first stitch...

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