Jade Time

Sometimes I think God keeps me in my present situation so I can be closer to Him. Sometimes I think that He thinks that if I get all the things I want and are comfortable I would think that I didn't need Him as much. So to keep me close to Him He keeps me in this state of constantly wanting and needing more, because it is actually true, you only seek God when you realise you haven't got much else. It's terrible I know, the earnestness only comes through when your heart longs for a change or 'breakthrough'. So perhaps keeping us, sorry, me in this state has helped me with my relationship with Him, or should. Now I know I'm not exactly painting God in the best light but it's just how my mind wanders. But then again I could just be completely ungrateful and that's how I've somehow managed to come up with this regrettable theory. Maybe I do have all the things I need but just can't see it, maybe it's all in my head. God has never been one to hold back on giving His children what they need to get by… so what is it then? When you see other people that do more than just 'get by' you just have to stop and think… I know that God loves me but it's not yet connecting. How are these normal people, who aren't much different from me, just going by their day and doing so well??? Because if God doesn't love them then would I really be wrong to not what to be loved sometimes, just so I can do more than just 'get by'! But then the whole thing of waiting on God's time comes to play and then, well then you just throw your hands up in defeat, because truly nothing makes sense. And I find myself in this truly upsetting limbo between the God fearing who always just seem to be in the right place at the right time and the not so God fearing who just seem so darn lucky. And then there's me, in the valley of these two 'winning' hill tops, "WHAT ABOUT ME???" Is what I find myself thinking, instead of shouting. And yes, I know what you guys are thinking; that I should stop thinking that just because I'm God fearing means it will all fall into place without me putting any work in. I do not think like that, in fact I somehow think I have mastered the trick of eluding both God's blessing and lucky unconsciously, so all I've ever known is 'putting work in'. Maybe I'm the middle ground that was never meant to be, and let's face it someone has to be not so great to make other people feel grateful and maybe that's me. I mean don't know really, maybe there's no sense in what I'm saying and I'm totally alone in this valley of mine or maybe it really is all about God's timing and I'm just an extremely ungrateful brat right now who deserves nothing more than for her world to REALLY fall apart. It's all very hard to tell and distinguish when you're low in spirits. Maybe God has given me this time of 'no distractions' to really work on my relationship with Him to prepare me for the greatness that's just round the corner and like the little minded human I am, all I can see to do is complain and moan…. But this is yet only another 'maybe' and after all I only really think like this sometimes…