Jade Time

Sometimes I think God keeps me in my present situation so I can be closer to Him. Sometimes I think that He thinks that if I get all the things I want and are comfortable I would think that I didn't need Him as much. So to keep me close to Him He keeps me in this state of constantly wanting and needing more, because it is actually true, you only seek God when you realise you haven't got much else. It's terrible I know, the earnestness only comes through when your heart longs for a change or 'breakthrough'. So perhaps keeping us, sorry, me in this state has helped me with my relationship with Him, or should. Now I know I'm not exactly painting God in the best light but it's just how my mind wanders. But then again I could just be completely ungrateful and that's how I've somehow managed to come up with this regrettable theory. Maybe I do have all the things I need but just can't see it, maybe it's all in my head. God has never been one to hold back on giving His children what they need to get by… so what is it then? When you see other people that do more than just 'get by' you just have to stop and think… I know that God loves me but it's not yet connecting. How are these normal people, who aren't much different from me, just going by their day and doing so well??? Because if God doesn't love them then would I really be wrong to not what to be loved sometimes, just so I can do more than just 'get by'! But then the whole thing of waiting on God's time comes to play and then, well then you just throw your hands up in defeat, because truly nothing makes sense. And I find myself in this truly upsetting limbo between the God fearing who always just seem to be in the right place at the right time and the not so God fearing who just seem so darn lucky. And then there's me, in the valley of these two 'winning' hill tops, "WHAT ABOUT ME???" Is what I find myself thinking, instead of shouting. And yes, I know what you guys are thinking; that I should stop thinking that just because I'm God fearing means it will all fall into place without me putting any work in. I do not think like that, in fact I somehow think I have mastered the trick of eluding both God's blessing and lucky unconsciously, so all I've ever known is 'putting work in'. Maybe I'm the middle ground that was never meant to be, and let's face it someone has to be not so great to make other people feel grateful and maybe that's me. I mean don't know really, maybe there's no sense in what I'm saying and I'm totally alone in this valley of mine or maybe it really is all about God's timing and I'm just an extremely ungrateful brat right now who deserves nothing more than for her world to REALLY fall apart. It's all very hard to tell and distinguish when you're low in spirits. Maybe God has given me this time of 'no distractions' to really work on my relationship with Him to prepare me for the greatness that's just round the corner and like the little minded human I am, all I can see to do is complain and moan…. But this is yet only another 'maybe' and after all I only really think like this sometimes…

New shoes! This post has nothing to do with new shoes but I just got a new pair and I've just finished crippling myself in them while pretending to be a sexy video vixen with my pj shorts on while brushing my teeth… complete with my hair net of course! and my brother shaking his head in disapproval LOL! Anyway a lot has obviously gone on since my last post and this isn't my usual style of writing…. I don't do the whole 'my-blog-is-my-online-diary' so we're not going to play catch up or anything (who the bloody hell is 'We' though???? LOL). Not like I've had an eager audience checking in every other day for a new post, but don't worry my love, this place was created for my time… Jade Time, and we never expected much or any traffic at all to be honest. Just somewhere pretty and organized to throw my not so organized thoughts in a theatrical and slightly over dramatic style! Any way so a lot has happened since my last post and now that I'm thinking about it I somehow think this material will be better suited for the sister blog… it's where I go to throw stuff like THIS!…. When I say 'THIS' I mean posts that have nothing to do with the title, so are most times untitled and really a lot about nothing and sorta pointless too thinking about it now, but still worth writing apparently… but that's just what I think. It's great to be able to create these little places where you can just come and yank the mess in her head and throw it at the screen to see if it creates something interesting and worth reading again or…. If it presents you with yourself and your reality which is sometimes hard to come back and read again but somehow necessary from time to time… you just never know I guess. There are so many things tugging at me that I feel I should touch on but I fear that I might be a bit classless in the way I go on about it so I'll wait till I'm in a better position to get it all out there creatively. So as you can see this post was completely unnecessary and a lot about nothing but I enjoyed writing it…. I find my mindless mumblings somewhat therapeutic… but like I said this spot was created for me to just, well… you know, off load. Hmmm… I wonder if I should become one those girls who comes back to report every insignificant thing about my week… you know, like the young career girl who is loved by everyone envied by a few…. Great friends with a really cool job and who constantly tries to find herself through stupid overrated experiences that barely scratch beyond the surface of life's true lessons…. I'd probably have to start using kisses and hugs after each post to my devoted readers and change my template to something really hip and girly that makes every post look like a post-it! Or a fecking DIARY! Ok, I'm done now!