Jade Time

Disappointment
Why does it make us want to stay?
Is that the missing ingredient to really liking someone?
Since when does disappointment mean that he cares enough, or at all?

We all go around screaming that we know what we are worth and simply refuse to settle for less, yet somehow we’re still in this. And we stay trying to convince ourselves that there are still reasons to remain in this, when we really know that there aren’t any. And it’s not that we’re blind, oh no, we’re quite aware of what’s going on. We aren’t the naive type, we are the confident type, we claim we know our worth, indeed, yet we stay and live with something as unhealthy as him.

We’ve made up our fairytale in our head and because he isn’t playing his role, we’ve taken over the role of the princess and the prince just to cover up for his so called flaws. The truth of the matter is that we can’t really call them flaws, it’s who he is, who he has always been, but somehow we’ve been wrapped up in our little fantasies and ignored the fact that maybe he was never right for the role from the start. So we go about trying to “fix” their so called flaws when really what we’re trying to do is change not fix. And they are two different things, change isn’t the thing you do when something is broken, it’s the thing you do when something is broken beyond repair or when you’re simply not happy with what you have. He is just not meant for you, there’s nothing wrong with him, the reason why you see his whole being as a flaw is because he’s simply not meant for you.

And don’t get me wrong, he probably does love you, he probably is truly crazy about you, just that he has a really messed up way of showing it. So that adds to the war that’s going on in your head. This piece of information that you have just gained (the fact that he loves you on some level), just makes everything harder to walk away from. Knowing that he really does love you now seems like your much needed line of hope. And you hold on to that daily, and in your mind you somehow believe it makes it hurts less when he disappoints you, or when he isn’t there yet again. Deep down inside you know it doesn’t lessen anything, it’s always the same hurt, and it gets heavier with its frequency.

The fact that he loves you isn’t hope, it’s not. So when you’re ready, you can let go of that line, because you know if anything, knowing that he loves you does nothing more than intensify the hurt. What sort of love could he possibly have when the things he does wouldn’t take any effort to avoid, and yet it honestly feels like he hurts you effortlessly. Yea, he really is crazy about you, your excuse for him is that he has problems expressing himself, but if you ask me he doesn’t seem to have any problem hurting you, what does that expression say? It seems to be his strongest one.

And we know what’s going, we know the solution, some of us, believe it or not, actually know how to get out, but won’t. The reasons why we know all these things is simply because we’ve had better, we have all had better. That person who has treated you better, who has disappointed you once and after seeing the pain it caused, has sworn never to do it again, and never did. That is how we know. It’s a shame though that we had to meet someone who wasn’t right for us, fall in love, get hurt several times, to realise it. It really is a shame.

So maybe we are constantly drawn to people who somehow constantly disappoint us, who are so unpredictable and incoherent with their expressions. We feel like guardian angels sent to them, to help them, fix them, and even change them. And yes, sometimes on the very rare occasions that they're actually around, they do make us smile, sleep easy, and love. When they are present it is easy to believe their promises of change and the promises to remain reliable, but you know deep down inside the only thing you’ve ever been able to rely on them for is their unreliability.

How sad is that, no one should be sentenced to such, love is not a bondage and it definitely isn’t a closed door or one way road. It is also not the only or big enough reason to stay. Love does not rule and surpass everything else, yes, it is a reason but it shouldn’t be the only reason. You are worth a whole, reliable, loving, truthful man. You are worth all that. Do not be too eager to finish your fairytale that you settle for the first guy that shows up for your audition. We have been given a heart to love, and a mind to think and sometimes guide our all too eager heart.

Disappointment should never be a draw for us or scales in our eyes, we can see, feel and definitely hurt. Disappointment has no hidden meaning, it’s the feeling you get when you’ve been let down. And if that’s the only feeling you’ve been used to, then I think it’s time you get out. Do not settle for less.