Jade Time

Watched this show on Tv this morning and I saw this dude go to extreme lengths to prove himself and his point. He had something he believed in, something he was and was so sure bout that he didnt mind going to places where he knew he'd get rejected but still talk bout it openly. He didnt mind standing out and just being opened about it, even though it risked his safety or public status.

Now, what he believed is not something that i believe in....but its his attitude that made me think about what i believe in but can not say somethings.....i always used to think I was so sure bout myself, bout who I am and what i believe in, but i guess i'm not, cause what i believe in is what should really makes me ME and i cant even talk bout it, or be it or live it. it just makes me think. Who are we and what defines us. I i'm not talking bout the generic answers like - i'm fun bubbly and lively. I'm talking bout - my name is Dupe and i'm a Lesbian, or I'm Muslin or I'm a Christian.

I mean what you believe in should determine who you are, shouldn't it. What would be the point of believing in something if it's just going to stop there. Shouldn't we be living it, isn't it who we are? or is it just something you sorta click in your head and just push into a corner? Self conviction should rule your life shouldn't it? It should create confidence and courage cause you know its so right,but why doesn't it feel that way?

I’ve done a lot of incredibly stupid things before.
I’ve kissed the wrong person before,
I’ve laid with the wrong person before,
I’ve fallen before.
But I’ve never fallen for the wrong person before.
No, I have never done that before.

I’ve made mistakes with a lot of things,
Pride, lust and thought but never with love.
No, you can’t make mistakes with love.
Love doesn’t make mistakes.
No, it doesn’t, but it certainly fucks with you.

You can’t fix it or undo it.
So now I’ve fallen for the wrong guy,
And it seems like every other mistake I’ve made.
Only that this one can’t be fixed.
So what do you do when you are in love with the wrong person?

You’ve tried to fix it in your own time, but you can’t,
It’s still the wrong person.
Yet you love the person just as much as you would love the right person.
So you start to think to yourself this must be the right person, right?
But its not and you know it.
You’ve been hurting from the start, you’ve been unsettled.

You haven’t been able to stay happy for longer than a moment.
You’ve been frustrated at the rate at which you’re able to switch moods.
You’ve been angry with yourself because you’ve caused the other so much.
And now your relationship is suffering and you can’t help it.

Yes, love does fuck with you.
I got to a stage where I was so sure that I was the wrong person,
But I was trying so hard to make it right,
But my efforts were too much for something that was meant to come naturally.
And no matter what I did it didn’t help because I had fallen
And love can‘t be undone.
So I stopped and let go and hoped that our differences
And all the things that were wrong would pull us apart
Because I was in too much pain and tired.

But nothing happened, all those things said bout love being compassionate seemed like lies,
I was shown no mercy, I was left there
Left there to become accustomed to the pain
But never becoming accustomed to the pain I cause the other.
That’s the real pain, and it feels like the first day every time.
Fresh wounds that are constantly being ripped open again and again.


I’m confused and unsure of all other things and feelings,
but one thing I’m sure of is that this is indeed love.
With the wrong person, maybe, but still love.
The feeling is always the same, whether in pain or joy
Wrong or right.

Now we are in love and in pain
But we embrace it because it something we can’t make go away.
It’s love regardless of anything and it can’t be undone.
We take the good and the bad.

I’ve done a lot of stupid things in my life.
But I’ve never fallen for the wrong person,
And love doesn’t make mistakes,
But it certainly does fuck with you.

Disappointment
Why does it make us want to stay?
Is that the missing ingredient to really liking someone?
Since when does disappointment mean that he cares enough, or at all?

We all go around screaming that we know what we are worth and simply refuse to settle for less, yet somehow we’re still in this. And we stay trying to convince ourselves that there are still reasons to remain in this, when we really know that there aren’t any. And it’s not that we’re blind, oh no, we’re quite aware of what’s going on. We aren’t the naive type, we are the confident type, we claim we know our worth, indeed, yet we stay and live with something as unhealthy as him.

We’ve made up our fairytale in our head and because he isn’t playing his role, we’ve taken over the role of the princess and the prince just to cover up for his so called flaws. The truth of the matter is that we can’t really call them flaws, it’s who he is, who he has always been, but somehow we’ve been wrapped up in our little fantasies and ignored the fact that maybe he was never right for the role from the start. So we go about trying to “fix” their so called flaws when really what we’re trying to do is change not fix. And they are two different things, change isn’t the thing you do when something is broken, it’s the thing you do when something is broken beyond repair or when you’re simply not happy with what you have. He is just not meant for you, there’s nothing wrong with him, the reason why you see his whole being as a flaw is because he’s simply not meant for you.

And don’t get me wrong, he probably does love you, he probably is truly crazy about you, just that he has a really messed up way of showing it. So that adds to the war that’s going on in your head. This piece of information that you have just gained (the fact that he loves you on some level), just makes everything harder to walk away from. Knowing that he really does love you now seems like your much needed line of hope. And you hold on to that daily, and in your mind you somehow believe it makes it hurts less when he disappoints you, or when he isn’t there yet again. Deep down inside you know it doesn’t lessen anything, it’s always the same hurt, and it gets heavier with its frequency.

The fact that he loves you isn’t hope, it’s not. So when you’re ready, you can let go of that line, because you know if anything, knowing that he loves you does nothing more than intensify the hurt. What sort of love could he possibly have when the things he does wouldn’t take any effort to avoid, and yet it honestly feels like he hurts you effortlessly. Yea, he really is crazy about you, your excuse for him is that he has problems expressing himself, but if you ask me he doesn’t seem to have any problem hurting you, what does that expression say? It seems to be his strongest one.

And we know what’s going, we know the solution, some of us, believe it or not, actually know how to get out, but won’t. The reasons why we know all these things is simply because we’ve had better, we have all had better. That person who has treated you better, who has disappointed you once and after seeing the pain it caused, has sworn never to do it again, and never did. That is how we know. It’s a shame though that we had to meet someone who wasn’t right for us, fall in love, get hurt several times, to realise it. It really is a shame.

So maybe we are constantly drawn to people who somehow constantly disappoint us, who are so unpredictable and incoherent with their expressions. We feel like guardian angels sent to them, to help them, fix them, and even change them. And yes, sometimes on the very rare occasions that they're actually around, they do make us smile, sleep easy, and love. When they are present it is easy to believe their promises of change and the promises to remain reliable, but you know deep down inside the only thing you’ve ever been able to rely on them for is their unreliability.

How sad is that, no one should be sentenced to such, love is not a bondage and it definitely isn’t a closed door or one way road. It is also not the only or big enough reason to stay. Love does not rule and surpass everything else, yes, it is a reason but it shouldn’t be the only reason. You are worth a whole, reliable, loving, truthful man. You are worth all that. Do not be too eager to finish your fairytale that you settle for the first guy that shows up for your audition. We have been given a heart to love, and a mind to think and sometimes guide our all too eager heart.

Disappointment should never be a draw for us or scales in our eyes, we can see, feel and definitely hurt. Disappointment has no hidden meaning, it’s the feeling you get when you’ve been let down. And if that’s the only feeling you’ve been used to, then I think it’s time you get out. Do not settle for less.